On being hurt and hurting others

It's a sad day when someone hurts you. A harsh e-mail, interaction somewhere in public, a comment, a look, being forgotten about or just flat out someone venting and calling you out, confirming what you sometimes wonder yourself, that maybe you are a total idiot. Hurt comes in lots of forms, and I really hate it when I experience it. It's a terrible pain that aches and feels like I'm nursing a knife in my heart all day. I want to hide out, feel sorry for myself and cry usually.

A sadder day still is discovering that you've hurt someone else. (Both happened to me today. Not a good day.) The thing with someone being hurt by you is not only the incredible burden that feels like the room is spinning and you have difficulty breathing, it's that you feel totally out of control. At least I do. The reality that I would cause someone else pain makes me mad at myself & so so sorry, but more so I question my motives wondering what in me would cause me to say or do something to someone that would hurt them. I didn't WANT to hurt them, didn't even know I did. So you replay it over and over trying to get some resolve. How did this person feel hurt by me? And what, oh what can I do to amend this terrible situation?

The reality is - being hurt feels unjust. It makes you question your friend. Are they just mean hearted? Just don't really like me? Do I even want to know someone like that? But in discovering that I've hurt someone else...I find it very demeaning that a friend would assume those things of me. Trust is broken. You sense it all over and in any interaction. They don't trust you anymore. Just as I have a hard time trusting the one that hurt me. What a mess. It's a wonder any of us are friends with each other for longer than a year. Forgiveness is so important. I've gone down that road a few times with some dear friends - and we are so much stronger and closer for it. But it takes some serious pride swallowing and huge courage - to forgive. Because it means we have to trust each other again. To believe the best about each other.

I'm finding that most of us don't ever tell each other that we've been hurt - that they hurt us. It seems to be commonplace and the primary source of people struggling in friendships. Friendships are disappointing. We hurt each other too often. But rarely do we tell each other. Thus, awkwardness and distance commences - and the friendship dwindles. But "everything's fine". I've been guilty of it many times. And now as I experience it on the other end I see something new - or at least a fresh reminder of something old that perhaps we all know. Everything's NOT fine. You hurt me. I did? Yes, you did. What are we going to do about it? Because surely - surely, there is something we can do. All is not lost is it? Well I suppose it is if we refuse to believe that our friend is for us again.

The thing is, I want very much to be forgiven. I really want to be trusted again. To be allowed into the sacred place of knowing one another deeply. To be heard that I never intended to be hurtful. To not be discarded as someone that isn't worth the energy of love and time.

So I will forgive and hope to be forgiven. For to ignore one another and never voice is the death of friendship.