Karen Elaine Rogers

Foreverland

2012-01-30T10:21:00.004-07:00

This is the best piece on the subject of betrayal that I've seen yet. Written by a woman I find to be full of love and wisdom.

http://storyinthemiddle.blogspot.com/2011/12/neverland.html

A year and a month

2012-01-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

A year ago December I started becoming healthier than I've ever been. One year and a month ago I started drinking Shakeology every single day and exercising intentionally. And, in that time I have realized some things that feel important for me to write down:

- I haven't been sick. Not once. I usually am a 3-5 times a year sickness kind of person. I'm good for a rough flu that lasts at least a week and has me bed bound for part or all of it, a good bout with either strep or bronchitis that require antibiotics, and at least a couple colds that zap my energy and leave me miserable for 2-5 days. And that doesn't include an occasional bladder infection or sinus infection that i get in on top of whatever else, that also usually require antibiotics. I'd say I usually need antibiotics at least once year, but that's on a good year. Typically it's about 3x a year. But this year...sickness just didn't come. Not less of it, but none of it. I have not been sick. At all. And I just can't believe it. One whole year and a month, and no sickness.

- I poop. All of us do I realize, but what is different for me this last year is that I do so regularly and without pain or issue. This is important as I've had to be careful to add more fiber and water to my diet over the years because I'm just not a good pooper. And poop is not a topic that anyone wants to address but talk to a nutritionist or doctor and they are very interested in poop. Pooping is good. As parents we freak out if our kids don't poop. We should freak out if we don't either, because that simple biological function is indicative of so much more. I poop now and it is all well and good. My grandfather is nearing the end of his life and he has severe issues "down there" in the pooping category. Painful surgery worthy type issues. And I am wondering to myself now....is my new nutrition saving me from that particular woe in my elderly years? I hope so.

- My face is happy, no acne issues like I used to have. My fingernails are strong - no more brittle tearing snagging ones. This year they've been strong and white and good. My hair is healthy and growing a ton. All little things but, nevertheless, ones that I have noticed. But probably my happiest result yet is that my tummy is calm. I've had bloating issues for years. Painful and sometimes protruding out to the point where I look pregnant. I've had to lay down and moan and take Tums over the years. But for one year and a month...I haven't had to do that at all. Hello probiotics and all the other fabulous ingredients packed into my dear Shakeology...you have worked to do something new to me in my belly. It is simply...quiet. I eat and it feels good.

- And finally, but not least, is the weight and fit issue. For one year now I have been back to my college weight. All the exercise I do actually shows off muscle and tone now because I am not fighting off the pounds of calories I very much prefer to eat. I exercise for my muscles and heart now. Not for keeping pounds off. This little shake of mine does something there....I'm still learning the science behind it. Though it's all natural ingredients and whole foods at that. So it seems the science is simply...good nutrition. Feed the body well and it likes you back. Though something in this shake keeps me full. For hours. Not only are the calories low in it, but it keeps me full past lunch time. Which is amazing for me the great grazer. The combination has worked its way in my body where I just am not gaining weight anymore. I eat a light lunch, and good sized dinner after my morning shake. And that's kept my eating down, way down to a normal caloric intake. :) Earlier in the year I would make a 1/2 a shake at night or even have one for dinner sometimes just to make sure I stayed full and didn't eat a bunch of junk. Once I learned what was in the shake, it was hard to figure out what to cook that would be any better nutritionally for me than that. But of course I do not want to drink only shakes - I love me some real hot comforting food. But on the days where I think maybe we should just have pizza for dinner, I find I'm much happier drinking a shake and snacking on some things instead. and wham...college weight. Amazing.

The shakes are chocolate (other flavors too, Tropical coming out this month) which is my personal fav and delight. To which I add peanut butter, honey and coconut shavings as well. All this helps is my cravings because - I love chocolate. And if I can drink something that tastes like a milk shake, that is actually full of more super food nutrition than anything I've ever heard of and makes me feel the way I have for the last year with no sickness....I will. :)

Thank you Darin Olien and Isabelle Daikler for creating this thing called Shakeology. I look forward to continue following your research and education on the ingredients including what they do for my body, and where you found them and who I am helping by buying them. But mostly I am enjoying living a healthy life with a body that just works smoothly on all cylinders now. Not counting calories all the time or worrying about what vitamins I should be taking. Shakeology has replaced my multivitamins and has helped me enjoy exercise thoroughly again.

And Sis...I would have never known about this had you not hounded me incessantly insisting that it would change my body for the better. You are the best fitness instructor I know and have helped me be the fit and healthy older sister that you knew I should be. I'm very proud of the Beachbody coach you have become and very much enjoy being one with you.

May next year I be as healthy as I've been this year.

If any of you are interested in sampling Shakeology or learning more about it, contact me and I can get you some. I am also starting a challenge group this month for any friends (or acquaintences) that are ready to begin your year of health. Beachbody's got a great deal for Shakeolgy and a workout dvd combined - and a group of us commit to doing it together. Let me know if you'd like to do it with me.

Our beach home

2011-11-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

Loyalty and Kindness

2011-11-22T11:59:00.001-07:00

i have taken to reading proverbs again. i imagine i'll be reading it again and again for a long while. much to be learned there. have you read it? i mean, you know, chapter by chapter really took it in taking notes on your own life as you do? it's a real hoot. last time around i underlined so much and was so overwhelmed that by the time i finished i took a break for awhile. a long while. saturday i started it over again. here i go into the business of learning wisdom and seeing how little of it i may have. but i keep reading. because the word says that if you treasure it...He will give it to you. I am learning to treasure.

in chapter 2,

"My child, listen to what i say, and treasure my commands. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures. Then you will understand what it means to fear the LORD, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the LORD grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest."

wow. may he grant "common sense" to me. :) Proverbs is so brutal.

i am just on chapter 3 now. these chapters only take 30 seconds to read some of them. so you really could fly through it. but...the one liners find me somewhere deep all too often. i end up stopping on one for a few days, or longer, before i can move on. here is the beginning of proverbs 3:

"Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart. Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will earn a good reputation."

and that's it. that's as far as i've gotten. no sense moving on for now. scripture is fascinating to me in this way. a line that i know i've read, know that i've (thought i) understood and i even LIKE... can suddenly stick out and say something different than ever before.

i think of myself as a loyal and kind person in general. so it surprised me that this verse stuck out like it did. but somehow i had this vision that these were life words. words that tell us how to live. and realized that Solomon found this truth in his life and the Lord prompted him to live by these two words... saying TIE THEM AROUND YOUR NECK. that's intense.

these words, kindness and loyalty, are apparently the simplest things of what i am to live and be. these are the words that i should pass on to those younger than me. these words are the ones that if i narrow it all down and become them, would encapsulate so much of the gospel. these words are living words. and i want to live them. do i?

Loyalty.

that word is loaded. especially when you've experienced betrayal, which has a way of destroying loyalty. betrayal makes a mockery of loyalty and makes you feel a fool. when you've walked through the confusion and hurt of the betrayal of friendship...you don't ever want to walk through it again. and yet God says...to let loyalty never leave you. to be loyal anyway.

i've thought a lot about what loyalty is. i believe it means saying yes when someone that has hurt me comes back around, not to be abused or be a doormat, but to be loyal. it means to stand for someone when things go down. not to be silent. but to stand up with them, shoulder to shoulder. but in it's best definition, to be a person full of loyalty means people can count on us. and we are for them.

which is just brilliant that kindness is the other word. when you really unpack loyalty and all that costs us and disturbs in us...it makes a sort of sense to me that kindness is the other word. because i can be loyal without being kind. i do what i need to do to be for someone...but if i have been hurt, threatened or some warning goes off in my head or heart regarding them....i.....tolerate them. i do this. do you? i can tolerate a difficult person and be for them in the sense that i am loyal and will show up and back them. but i do not necessarily tend to be kind about it. which is my way of protecting myself. but apparently God has less interest in our protecting ourselves and more interest in our giving of ourselves. we are simply to be loyal to others and to be kind to them in the living of it.

i am to give myself to loyalty and kindness, which feels like being asked to live vulnerably. i've been taught to protect and move slowly, and not commit too soon, etc. and yet Proverbs says i am to tie Loyalty and Kindness around my neck. to live them. deeply. daily. I am to be a person of loyalty. both to my God and to the people He places in my life. they might betray and do any manner of ill-willed obnoxious things. that doesn't change my call. and i am to be kind. to look people in the eye and smile, and be empathetic even when they've been their most horrible version of themselves.

to wear these words. intentionally and boldly and honestly. to become them.

she is a person of loyalty and kindness. i cannot imagine a better compliment. and i can contentedly spend my life pursuing those qualities until the compliment bearer finds them fulfilled. it's ok that it'll take that long.

Some things I need to know

2011-10-05T12:36:00.002-06:00

This is a post from a mom of four boys, three of which have Type 1 diabetes (if you can believe that). And I love it. Thank you Meri.

A year ago I wrote a blog post called, "I want you to know something." It is one of Our Diabetic Life's most visited posts, still to this day. I feel strongly I need to add some things to the list. I feel strongly that today, there is something you need to know...

You need to know that when you check your child's blood sugar, no matter what the number...you are winning.

You need to know that the worry you keep in your heart all day long is only proof that you are a good pancreas.

You need to know that when your child lashes out against diabetes, he or she isn't lashing out against you.

You need to know that you can switch endos if your endo isn't listening or if your endo doesn't give you good advice. If your child's A1C stays in the upper stratosphere with no hope of returning to earth...you can move on. It is ok.

You need to know that your child's blood sugars will never be 100% perfect all the time.

You need to know that you are stronger than you think you are.

You need to know that on the hardest of days, the fact that you don't give up counts for more than you know.

You need to know that most people don't know what Type 1 Diabetes is. Please don't take it personally when they confuse it with Type 2.

You need to know that it is ok to cry sometimes.

You need to know that site changes are not something you are doing to hurt your child, they are something you are doing to help your child.

You need to know that your child loves you more than you think. You need to know your child doesn't blame you for all of this.

You need to know that you can't compare your child's diabetes with another child's diabetes. Everyone treats differently. Everyone's body is different.

You need to know that some children can easily acquire good A1C's, and others can't.

You need to know diabetes is hard. You are amazing for doing as much as you do, as well as you do.

You need to know that restricting portions at a carb-o-polooza buffet is something that all parents should do, not just parents of children with diabetes. Don't feel guilty when you have to say no to that third bowl of ice cream, or that second cookie.

You need to know that picking a pump, or a way to manage your child's diabetes is a very personal choice. Don't let other parents make if for you.

You need to know that it is ok to ask your husband or your family for help. It is ok to expect it.

You need to know that there are angels waiting to help, you just need to listen for their promptings.

You need to know that if today is a bad day, chances are tomorrow, or the next...it will be better.

You need to know that you need to do something for you. You are important...your needs are important too.

You need to know that there isn't a reason for everything. If there is a high blood sugar, and you can't figure out why...it is probably because they have diabetes...not something you did.

You need to know that there is a way to live this life with joy. It is up to you to find it.

You need to know that forgetting something doesn't mean you are an idiot. It means you are human and your swelly brain can't remember everything all the time.

You need to know you are loved.

You need to know I pray for you every night.

You need to know that in time...things will get better.

You need to know you are reading this for a reason. You need to know I mean every word.

You need to know that one day your child will be doing this all on their own, and you find a way to trust their decisions.

You need to know that you aren't alone in all of this. I know there are days when you FEEL alone. I know there are days when you FEEL like you fail. You are not alone...you are not failing.

You are not failing...

You are not failing...

I feel really strongly you just need to know that. You NEED to know...you are NOT failing your child. Your best is good enough. Keep moving forward.

You need to know the best is yet to come.

I love you my fun, crazy and loving boy. Let's keep up this journey until we win.

when the oceans rage

2011-08-21T23:17:00.000-06:00

there was a song this morning that had a line about when the oceans rage. something about feeling at peace within the storm knowing He is for us.

and when I heard it everything in me went quiet. still. it struck a chord. my chord.

the thing is i've heard that kind of line in songs for 20 years. it's a popular line. rightly so. life is full of "storms" and God by nature and person is above the weather. but it's something whole other when you've had your own personal raging ocean in the story you are living and you know...deeply know, that peace.

it's a strange peace and not the fluffy, light and song worthy one i've often thought that it would be. no, in the raging-ness that doesn't let up and just when you think it's starting to, another set comes...there is no tranquility. this peace... is rather a solid place. and the firmness of this place stopped everything in me this morning because i remembered. and remembering hurts.

and then. then, just then when you thought the remembering of the pain of the raging was too much, memory goes a step further and saves the day. i remembered that solid place where everything went still and quiet. the hurt was all around and everywhere and the unknowns massive. but in it, not all the time, but sometimes...there was nothing but feelings like: sure. loved. known. believed in. safe. hope. truth. Him. sure.

that place. that crazy place that so many songs are written about, is real. it's a real cheesy line unless you live it. but when you are in the living of it, it's powerful to remember the solid place. it exists. and in it, there is nothing that you cannot endure.

All these years with you

2011-08-12T11:08:00.001-06:00

when someone enters your life in such a profound way that it changes you, you notice. if he's a cute young man (that looks incredibly ripped on the beach volleyball court) you might decide after much wooing, song writing and exchanging of poems...that you will marry him. i mean, you don't say no to someone who changes you in that deep place. this person that knows you and sees you...and wants you anyway.

i've thought many times over the years, of perspective that comes at different seasons of this marriage. there are some things i could never have known as that young bride walking on my father's arm down the aisle to the tall young man who called me friend before any other accolade:

- i could not have imagined, for instance, the absolute massive quantities of adventures that have come with us. little ones, significant ones, annoying ones, silly ones, really funny ones, heart stopping ones. ours has not been a marriage of hum drum. whether we are exploring a city, backpacking somewhere new, building a house, meeting interesting people, or studying/dreaming/praying/visioning/planning...there's just a lot of movement. we've each changed constantly in who we are and what we think. and have often moved frequently into something new and different together. the lists are long, wide and considerable of the things we have done together. I had no idea we'd do so much.

- it is near impossible to know what the hell you are talking about it when you say yes to "in sickness and in health". but you believe it. you try to picture it and you want it almost. almost. until it comes. in our case 5 years in, coming in and out of our home as it pleases for years to come. like a freaking freight train into your bedroom and steals your babies out of your body and rages with blood and pain and health scares and emergency room visits. calls to the family, and prayer requests of desperation to your friends when he's so sick you get really scared. the list of what meds he's given you at what time sitting on the dresser as the hours and days pass till it's over.

it's personal. unjust. and quickly and carefully strips away all the control you thought you had. you are left with only each other. staring at the shocked face across the table from you. wondering how to feel all that you need to feel in front of your beloved. and having no idea how to truly get into his shoes for awhile either.

but it's there...in those weird in and out of vicodin moments when you see that your man has moved the night stand just so... that you don't have to move at all to reach everything. and that's when the pain of love cuts deep into your heart and you know. my God, he loves me. not that you doubted or wondered so much about this before....but now you know it in a way that hurts. it's a sacrifice for him to love you. and jury's out on how much you will cost him before this life is over. or how much he will cost you.

the tenderness and kindness that happens in those dark times of service to each other...it's what you hope for. you just didn't know it would cost so much to experience it in it's depth.

- i could not have known that "two becoming one flesh" meant anything more than some cute saying that maybe our souls are now one. whatever that means. there is an intimacy in marriage that is highly physical and it's the only thing that makes you hold hands when you walk down the street later. also ends up that intimacy takes years to develop and i'm thinking our lifetime to ever fully discover. the basic physical act may not come easily either, some bodies are flawed and don't work right. and that's too bad. but there are a thousand ways i'm only just learning about to become one in that department. but it takes a lot of tears to figure out how to learn. and a whole lot of fun to add to the list of adventures that won't ever be written down. only the two of us know. it's ours.

- i had no idea the pride that would develop in me about my man. good pride. the kind that wells up in you in an interview you get to be a part of for a job he's being considered for. you find yourself tearing up a couple times...just cause you think he's absolutely off his rocker brilliant. you find yourself all these years in and wondering how you really missed this about him before. not that you ever didn't think he was great and talk him up well to your friends. but every few years you get these chances, to see him shine differently than before. and you are stunned. heart beats faster and face gets hot - and you realize... i am in love with him.

yet somehow that doesn't really matter. what matters is you are so proud of him that u see something in him that no one else gets to see. you see his character. the whole raw deal. and he has some. in fact he has so much you occasionally find your mouth gaping open wondering how in the world did you end up marrying a man of this quality. he has enough to overflow me with a respect deserving of a man that has put in a lot of dues over a lot of time. he takes none of the credit though...he gives away to the God of all. which humbles me somewhere deep even as i boast for him.

- i didn't know how much people would hurt us. the further weighty our adventures are, the more at risk we are for this it seems. i couldn't have known then how strong he would stand for me. how i would fight for him. we have scars and wounds still from the battles we never knew we'd be in. but know more now than ever that we can weather anything together. we've done it a few hundred times now. i fear there is more potential for hurt ahead. but he is with me. and i know much more now than ever before, that he will never leave me. he stands tall over me and protects me.

- i didn't know he'd still look at me today like he did back when we were dating and in love. those eyes. God i remember those eyes, that flirty look but also that look of undeniable admiration. sometimes it was just that look that he thought i was adorable. and others some kind of awe of who i was. i catch him every now and again...looking at me. with THOSE eyes. it means more to me now than i would have ever known back then. he's seen a lot more of me all these years. but he still looks at me like that.

- there is no way to know how much you will both love your child. you assume it and you dream about it. but living it is something wholly other. it's scary business being responsible to raise a child. the baby clothes and showers and cute halloween outfits are just the introduction to parenting. your heart starts to rip somewhere around age 2 or 3. your baby starts being less than perfect and yet you know deep within them they are the most incredible person. now they affect other people and tension begins balancing the incredible with the humanness.

embarrassment you feel when your child hurts someone else or says something awful to you in public. absolute panicky fear that comes over you when your child gets hurt, lost or gets diagnosed with something. ridiculous infatuation you have of posting pictures and telling facts about every single thing they do and telling the world how absolutely cute and fantastic they are. love. it's displayed in a million and one ways. but you just don't know what it FEELS like to love this little life until it's laid out next to you on the couch with a headache right as some meeting you wanted to go to is starting...and you suddenly don't care. at all. the only place in the world for you to be is stroking your child's hair, monitoring what medicine to give and whispering that it's going to be ok, mommy is here.

multiply that a few times when you watch your husband have to hold him down to give him his first shot of a lifelong disease he just got diagnosed with. your big strong man cries, telling your child he's so so sorry. and then multiply a few more times when you take your child on any first adventure. camping, mexico, or to a waterpark for the first time. you act like an idiot paying for things for them and finding yourself...completely grinning from ear to ear the entire time...just watching them. hours and moments and years of just watching our child grow. i had no idea how amazing it would be. talking about him, observing him, discussing him, planning things for him, correcting him, discipling him, playing with him. together. we form this little child together. it is our greatest project.

all these years with you, so much has happened here. i am so grateful that you are with me as our days continue forward into the unknown of what is to come. 15 years isn't nearly enough time with you. Off we go...into the next chapters of our life together.

2011-08-08T20:17:00.000-06:00

I love this post. Profound and deeply meaningful to me. So simple and yet most I know don't cross over the lines or even know that there are parties worth paying attention to. Until you've suffered a little while...then you join a party. May grace abound as we all carry one another's burdens and hold hands a little longer.

Crossing Party Lines

Success

2011-08-08T17:07:00.000-06:00

Some things should be shared. :) Cool little video from Shakeology fans on how it's helped them. The longer I am a Beachbody coach the more stories I hear. This video captures them all. It really is the best when you experience one of these things for yourself and then again when someone you love and know experiences it too. But for now...this video inspires.

Interested in Shakeology or home workout DVD's? Shoot me an email or message me on one of the many social networking avenues. Love to help you get started. I help you get healthy...you help me work from home. Happy partnership.

Here

2011-07-20T01:40:00.000-06:00

The sound of waves from my office window here in the night. Rhythmic. Soothing.

Sand on my feet. In my hair. Shaking off our towels.

Play dates with mama's on the beach...too many to count.

Everyday my boy improves his skill in that beautiful blue crashing foam. Everyday my body gets warmer as the sun soaks through somewhere deep. Swimsuit worn daily. Sunscreen part of the morning routine. Hat thrown in the bag. Don't ever leave the house without sunglasses. Ever.

Jump on the freeway...and there it is. White shores. View from church on Sunday...rich blue tide spread out far. Walk out the door and the sea breeze is on our face.

Hair bleached out by the sun, time to cut off the dry ends and decide whether coloring it is helpful anymore. Dried starfish decorating our gate. Foot washing station by the stairs. Towel hooks on the patio. Palm trees and blue skies are the skyline.

This is my new life. Of course I love it. Love it in a way that is a dream...come true. Remembering our college days. The days of being a new believer, meeting new and wonderful friends. Long talks and letter writing and poems with Kevin. Music.

It is a coming home. Here.

2000 stories

2011-07-06T01:14:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago I spent 4 days in L.A. with my sister and around 2000 other coaches at the Beachbody Summit. I've never been to anything like it so there was nothing to compare it to. I just knew that something unique has been happening with my health and the health of my friends and family this year. This company cares about natural, quality nutrition and good ol real sweat exercise....but also seems to have a driving vision that stands rather bold. To end the trend of obesity in America. And to see it done soon.

CEO, Carl Daikeler, commented in the opening session some statistics that I felt maybe I'd heard but had never sunk in before.

The typical revolving door (used in airports, etc) has had to be increased from 10 feet to 12 feet to accommodate obesity.

We are 4x as likely to be overweight if we don't eat breakfast.

In 2006, 26 people died in America from terrorist attacks. 120,000 died from issues related to obesity.

For the first time in history, the next generation will live less long than their parents. (We eat a lot more calories and watch a lot more TV)

$4 TRILLION is spent on health care. We pay first to build up our bellies and then later to fight it with nurses and doctors. The trend will not end with trillion dollar health care to treat the effects of inactivity. The new trend will need to be in our homes...and then in in our country. The trend of obesity can end in less than 100 days spending an hour a day exercising. If we change the health of 1% of the population, we will end an epidemic.

I was inspired. I have family members and close friends that live with obesity, and have for years. I remember when I was 16 my Dad went to his doctor and had a bunch of tests done. He had gained a lot of weight over the years and we'd been talking to him about it. The doctor told him that if he didn't change his ways that he wouldn't live to see his daughters get married. I cried hard that night and we worried for him for years afterward begging him to change.

The thing is, change doesn't come easy. It's a lifestyle change. And you have to want it, badly. The winners of the million dollar body contest were presented with awards on the last night of Summit. The stories were emotional. Every person had lost over 100 pounds. They said it felt like they had lost a whole person next to them. And each of them said there was a turning point. A point at which (for some of them it was near suicide) they decided they couldn't live like this any longer. That they were willing to do anything than to live like they were. A point at which their health was so debilitating or humiliating that they realized for the sake of not only themselves but for their kids and spouses...something had to happen.

Granted, none of them did it alone and all of them are still working. Support of coaches and loved ones is essential. But listening to each of them...they would've found another supportive person if one didn't cut it. They wanted it that bad. They just started small, ordered a workout DVD and started moving. They couldn't do any of the moves the way the awesome fitness trainers did it, but they were up and moving. Counting calories, drinking Shakeology, and moving an hour a day. No more junk food. Cut out the alcohol for awhile. Game on and sweat on. They cried. Their faces....they were so darn PROUD OF THEMSELVES. So grateful beyond anything physical that they'd experienced. They were in nice dresses or dudes in slacks and ties...looking good. They felt it. And they bowed their heads a little as their before pictures flashed on the big screen for us 2000 to see. Holy moly, 350 pounds...and now he was at 180. One was over 400 pounds. You couldn't believe it looking at this trim shorter guy on stage now. 1 YEAR ago. He's been busy moving.

On Saturday we got up at a ridiculously early hour (of which I am not a fan of doing normally) to get a spot near the stage for the super workout. I kid you not - there were over 1500 people nudging each other and saving spots....to WORK OUT. !!!! Ha ha... I would alternately laugh out loud and then get a little emotional. The fitness trainers (like Tony Horton of P90X, Chalene Johnson of Turbo Jam and Turbo Fire, Shaun T from Insanity and Assylum, and the RevAbs guy that was on the Biggest Loser, etc) were celebrities. Seriously, there were signings and picture times allotted so we all could see them and say "Um, I'm such a fan, you've changed my life". Because the reality is...they've been up close and personal in our living rooms helping us want to press play every morning so we can keep working and staying healthy. People that inspire us and help us change mean more to us than most. It was surreal seeing people in work out gear being treated like rock stars. And also beautiful, I thought.

I have never seen so many people so eager to do push ups. The more Tony Horton made us do the louder the crowd groaned....but then they'd yell like they were at a concert. There was an attitude by all of "bring it on...make it burn...if it hurts then I have a chance".

Each time we go back to the hotel to change there are very few people in the lobby elevator waiting area...but people are rushing the back stair ways like cattle. Open the door to the stairs and the rumbling and happy chatter of 100's of people trying to burn a few extra calories was something.

The thing is...it wasn't cheesy. It wasn't that high squealing crowd that was all club like and talking about calories at every stretch. It was just good people that wanted to be naturally healthy. Really fit beautiful people whom I quickly judged and then bam...one of the most gorgeous ones is on the stage next day speaking about her health issues and having to take care of her very mentally ill mother after her drunken father abandoned them both due to alcohol poisoning. Shakeology transformed her health and the support of the beachbody community ended up being her closest friends during a time when she had no family. So no judging anymore. You just never know people's story.

There were also normal people that weren't so pretty and people with weight to lose still and some really big people. And suddenly a conference that I thought would have been all about weight and good looks....was a place where anybody could come and hear and share about the people they loved and how much they wanted to see them get healthy too.

That kind of thinking changes things. That many coaches going back to their neighborhoods, families and churches could possibly be like a wave. Hopefully a wave that whispers you CAN change, health IS important, and we are all in it together.

We live in Ventura, California

2011-06-28T17:42:00.000-06:00

Late last summer we dreamed it. Life on the beach again, could it be? In the winter we flew down for 48 hours to see it and hope and wonder further.

Us on the Ventura beach in February saying "I can't believe this is WINTER here!"

This week we are living it. We did it. We actually moved here! It's as dreamy as I'd hoped. I'm tan in just a week and not even trying. Sand is my new problem keeping it out of my car and house. And sand is also our new best friend. Toss up between it and the waves. Thankful to be here.

My man and my boy. Braden has his own boogie board now.

Great story from a PhD

2011-03-28T10:51:00.000-06:00

Compelling personal story from a well respected Doctor on how and why Shakeology was created:

Shakeology^®: A Shake Too Good to Be True?

By Dr. Mark Cheng, PhD

This is an article from a professional who teaches for one the most respected kettlebell training communities in the country. It was written by Dr. Mark Cheng in response to some of his students and peers who were questioning his vocal support of Shakeology.

Lately, I've made mention about my use of the nutritional product Shakeology, and some folks have been questioning if I've abandoned the RKC ranks and gone "P90X" on them. So let me set the record straight . . . definitively . . . once and for all.

I heard about Shakeology before there WAS a Shakeology, directly from the mouth of its inventor—Isabelle Brousseau. The wife of Beachbody CEO Carl Daikeler, Ms. Brousseau is a singularly talented coach and highly educated researcher. She's spent years studying the advanced principles of elite human performance from authorities around the world, and I was honored to have the chance to share Pavel Tsatsouline's Hardstyle RKC kettlebell training method privately with her. As an adept student, she was on the fast track to preparing for her RKC instructor certification when she decided to take time off upon learning she was expecting her first child.

During the times I spent training her, Isabelle and I spoke about Chinese herbal medicine, and she mentioned she was researching ways of combining all-natural foods with the highest possible nutrient values into a meal-replacement shake designed for athletes and people-on-the-go. When she mentioned wanting to put in high quality ayurvedic herbs, Chinese herbs, antioxidant-rich fruits and vegetables, prebiotics, and a host of other vitamins and minerals, my initial reaction was, "Yeah, right!"

My doubts were not unfounded. Having spent years studying (and consuming) Chinese herbal medicines, I had a familiarity with a good deal of what Brousseau was talking about. The ingredients she'd mentioned sounded like a wish list that only insiders would know of and only the filthy rich and well-connected could afford. On top of that, the taste of such a mixture, I surmised, would probably make even the least sensitive tasters wretch with disgust. To make a mixture that would contain the type of ingredients she mentioned, be stable enough to ship and store, and not taste like the bottom skim of a Los Angeles sewer was a pipe dream as far as I was concerned. So I filed the conversation away in my mental round file. A couple of years later, when I met with Carl to discuss a project idea, I saw the finished product on his shelf. Eager to see how far from the initial ideal the finished product had to compromise, I was in for a shock.

Not only did Shakeology have EXACTLY the type of ingredients that Isabelle had mentioned during our training sessions, but it had MORE!

Some notables:

Astragalus: widely used in Chinese medicine as an immune system regulator
MSM: one of the most popular supplements for joint health
Chia: the Mayan super-seed with more calcium than whole milk, more omega-3 and -6 than salmon, and more protein than kidney beans
THREE different proprietary blends and some vitamins and minerals that actually exceeded the U.S. RDA.

This stuff looked like it was fit for a king for sure. So I was curious to put it to the final 2 tests: taste and performance. I wanted to know if it smelled or tasted anything like what I thought it would and was curious if it'd make a difference for my high-velocity, high-output, high-mileage lifestyle.
A little background: I'm a caffeine junkie by virtue of workaholism. Ever since discovering the "joy" of all-nighter homework sessions in high school, I became keenly aware of the value of being able to work harder and sacrifice sleep. So when the NoDoz, Vivarin, and Mountain Dew lifestyle needed an adult turn after I'd graduated and started writing, teaching, treating patients, travelling, training, and trying to spend time with my family, I dove hip deep into energy drinks like Red Bull, Monster, and caffeinated energy bars like Pit Bull. When I speak well about a nutritional product, it's for one reason: it helps me get my work done while keeping me healthy. Another bit of background: I'm a glutton. I love food, especially food that tastes good. I never met a filet mignon that I didn't like, and never met one that I didn't like better wrapped in bacon, with a side of bacon-wrapped scallops, and mashed potatoes—topped with bacon. If it doesn't taste good, I don't care how good it is for me. I'll STILL probably not like it well enough to be disciplined about taking it.

The Greenberry Shakeology bag that Carl gave me turned my ball of preconceived notions and stood it on its ear. From the moment I opened the bag, the scent was wonderful, like a dessert that you're eager to tear into. So I dumped some ice and water into the blender and dropped a scoop of the bright green powder in with it. I didn't add juice or other fruits because I wanted to know exactly how this tasted by itself, unadulterated. The next sound I heard after taking my first sip was, "Yum!" It passed the taste test.

Next was the travel test. I wanted to see how it kept me going while traveling, so instead of my usual chain-drinking habit of Monster or Red Bull, I tried a shake or two during the day, usually with one in the morning. I brought Shakeology with me to New York, New Mexico, and most recently to Australia to see how I'd do with it, and the results were remarkable. I had sustained, stable energy, but without the jitters, aggression, and hard drops afterwards. When I travel, I travel to teach, and I have to be up, energetic, strong, and focused. My days here in LA revolve around teaching, training, treating patients, and trying to steal moments with my family. So if something doesn't give me the energy to do what I need, I can't waste my precious time or hard-earned money with it.

Shakeology has proven itself to be able to give me all of that on multiple occasions, both while traveling and here in Los Angeles. You can draw your own conclusions about any product you want, but I'm sharing my experiences with Shakeology here openly. And if you think I'm endorsing it only for financial gain, you couldn't be more wrong. I signed up as a "Coach" so I could buy the product for myself! If you want to try it, you know where to find it, and get ready to be surprised how little such high-quality nutrition costs!

Bucket List

2011-03-28T00:56:00.003-06:00

I watched the movie "Bucket List" tonight. Some great one liners:

"He died with his eyes closed and his heart open".

Edward (the very wealthy owner of the hospital) is notoriously quoted for saying "I run hospitals, not health spas. 2 beds to a room, no exceptions". Upon his development of cancer and intake into his own hospital, he is perturbed that he has to share a room with someone. His assistant reminds him of his well known statement. And he says... "But I've never been sick before". Profound I think.

"My chance to what? Make a fool of myself!?" - Carter "Never too late". :) - Edward

"Did you hear it? Hear what? I read an account of a man who made it to the summit, and standing there at the top of the world he experienced a profound silence. It was like all sound just fell away. And that's when he heard it. The sound of the mountain. It was like he heard the voice of God."

"The simplest thing is, I loved him and I miss him. The last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end I think it's safe to say we brought some joy to one another's lives. So one day when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up to a certain wobbly gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side."

For one who is exhausted

2011-03-08T22:52:00.001-07:00

A blessing for one who is exhausted

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out,
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter the empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the rush of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have travelled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until it's calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit,
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

By, John O'Donohue

Live to eat, eat to live

2011-02-20T13:17:00.005-07:00

My father in law has been saying for the 18 years that I've known him that eating in moderation and consistent exercise is the way to a healthy body. Not to worry about diets and any fads because as long as you are eating well and moving it's all good. My husband, like his father, has been a believer of this as well. And it is how we live. We enjoy yummy homemade pies, chocolate cake on special birthdays, eat a good greasy meal from time to time and partake of donuts sometimes. But on most nights we have a balanced dinner of a veggie, a protein and a starch (yeah, like health class in college taught us). We eat whole fruits for breakfast or lunch most of the time. And drink as much water as we remember to (no soda's or a lot of juice take a shelf in our fridge...but certainly we enjoy them on occasion). We value exercise and have lived that out our whole marriage with some seasons being better than others.

The bible even speaks of treating our bodies well Ephesians 5:29. 2 Corinthians 7:1 talks of keeping things that contaminate the body out. After all it's the only one we have, might as well have it work the best for us and give us enough years of health to see our families grow up. And moderation is certainly a biblical concept especially in relation to gluttony.

So why in the world would I start associating myself with a company like beachbody and post about how much in love I am with Shakeology and my home workout DVDs? Isn't that just another diet fad organization trying to make billions on people that just want to lose weight fast? Greatly, no. And thanks to those of you that love and believe in my character enough that you know I'd do no such thing (at least not knowingly). It's been fun getting healthier with you and even more fun helping our friends and family do the same.

Beachbody's biggest goal is to "End the trend of obesity" by helping people stay motivated with - you guessed it - the basics. Eating well and exercising. They have all kinds of nutritional help online with recipes and ideas and a wide selection of well known workout DVDs. Including P90X^® Extreme Home Fitness, INSANITY™, Slim in 6^®, Hip Hop Abs^®, ChaLEAN Extreme^®, Turbo Jam^®, Power 90^®, Yoga Booty Ballet^® Ab & Butt Makeover, and Kathy Smith's Project:YOU! Type 2^®. Shakeology^® and P90X^® Results and Recovery Formula lead the Beachbody Nutritionals^® line of products, designed to help you get the best results from your fitness programs. All of their supplements adhere to the highest formulation standards in the industry. Beachbody believes that good nutrition is a must for good health.

But certainly you can hit the gym or go for a long walk or run to stay healthy too. And a good balanced diet is plenty. AND, God knows there are more important things in our lives than the body. So here's why I care a flip about any of this:

The body is neglected and abused by many. Many that I know well and care about deeply, that have poured into my life in huge ways are among these. Their bodies limit their activities and affect their emotions and mental health. The fact that beachbody has a goal of "ending the trend of obesity" is sad enough. Is their a trend? How you noticed how many over sized clothing stores have popped up in the last 10-20 years? All the commercials advertising fast food with little nutritional value in it. You may have watched "Super size me" and so many other documentaries letting us know what the low down with our food quality is. We are consumers in many ways besides just with food. Movements like Advent Conspiracy have pointed out as much and many of us have responded with vigor realizing that we too have fallen into this way of living.

Last night we were watching Over the Hedge with our son. This bit here was just astounding:

Even as I adhere to a eat well and exercise kind of life, I still struggle to get in exercise. Life gets busy and it takes TIME to exercise. It was easy before kids, but ever since baby entered my life it became much harder to exercise because mostly, you need to be alone to exercise. I have used our gym membership but you have to drive there (wasted gas) and pay for childcare (wasted money). And then deal with inadequate childcare workers. So beachbody's DVDs have been enormously helpful to me as I can workout at home and not have to get childcare.

And Shakeology...check out the website, watch the informational videos, and ask me about it. It's the only thing like it I've heard of and it was made with care for people's bodies and with a holistic perspective of eating well and exercising. For those of us (which sadly, is the unbelievable majority of us) that find it tough to get in a good balanced diet and don't mind buying (and then the taste of) amazing organic super foods - Shakeology provides the best foods (in the world) in a simple yummy shake. Perfect ingredients in something palatable to drink = healthier body. My sister's good friend just got her blood results back from her doctor at her recent physical. Her doctor was impressed with the dramatic change in her cholesterol and all the other stats in her blood over the last 6 months. He said for sure it was the Shakeology. She is eating well for the first time maybe in her life, how can it not affect her health?

So hooray for living a healthier life and taking care of the only body we are ever going to have. Now onto the more important things in life. :)

You are my Valentine

2011-02-14T18:14:00.005-07:00

Happy love day to my love. I have a card ready for him here that has a picture of an old couple at the kitchen sink ... and she's squeezing his butt. :) It says "Happy Valentine's Day to my main squeeze". Ahh...I love my lover. And he loves me. And Valentine's Day is just a sneak up surprise every year right after the New Year and the Super Bowl and just before my birthday that almost always comes unexpected and is just - a nice treat.

But it isn't that kind of day or that kind of card for many. Some of my dearest friends are single and today has been texts of heartache watching the world celebrate love while your desk remains flowerless. I wish I had the money to send you all big bouquet's. I actually put it on my calendar for next year.

It hasn't been that kind of day for those that are sick and bodies are dealing with undiagnosed pain either. I'm sad thinking of too many who are hurting today when there should be chocolate cake and sex (if appropriate).

This day is an all out destroyer for those in difficult marriages or those that have just about lost yours. It is awkward and the expectations are high and yet inevitably going to smash both into realizing just how very little left of love, respect or intimacy you have left. For each other. For yourself.

This day can be a catalyst for pain similar to that of Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have no family or are far away from them, a baby dedication after you've miscarried, or a marriage seminar when you are no longer married. Valentine's Day. A simple and lovely little holiday that has in it the potential to either remind you of the love you have, or build expectation and hope up to a point that so easily is destroyed when the red roses and long time lover isn't there.

And so as I prepare a nice dinner for my little family tonight with candles lit and cards displayed on the table, thankful for the loves of my life. I will be late in starting it because it just seems right to pause for those I know this very hour are hating life and wanting this day so desperately to be over. May the King be preparing a lavish dinner just for you. You are so loved, so beautiful, kind and giving. There is a table somewhere prepared for you. I can't wait for the day you get the chair pulled out for you there. And a chair pulled out for you here for that matter.

For a little fun, I have a suggestion as a cure for anyone in the future that would like to make sure their Valentine's Day is about something other than love lost or love wanted. Today, I had the best Valentine's Day ever. And it had nothing to do with romantic love (I hope tonight is different mind you!). I spent the morning finishing 20 something Valentines with my boy for his classmates and we rushed off to school with them in tow. My son has been working on his cards for a week and he even slicked back his hair and wore his "wedding" shirt for today's affair. It didn't disappoint. Kindergartners can't disappoint. They just are. Unlike card-less mailboxes and no chocolate hearts to unwrap, going to Kindergarten is a totally other experience. I recommend it for anyone.

In Kindergarten the girls are wearing pink and red and have hearts somewhere on their clothing. The boys are wearing whatever but managed to get their hair combed that day. But they all come carrying bags of hard worked on Valentine's. And their faces are glowing! They are so bright eyed that you catch yourself grinning just watching them. They are expectant. It's like Christmas in the sense of anticipation of giving and receiving. Some kids sat near their Valentine holder guarding the contents and counting the cards. One child said "are there anymore kids that need to give me a Valentine?" Ha! Others though, were so focused on giving theirs away they were in utter shock when they found their holder full at the end of the party. Their little eyes lit up when they either gave or received a Valentine.

Just this simple act of giving a tiny little cheap card with a piece of candy on it does this thing. Makes you realize, we just want to be thought of. Kindergarten isn't limited to the confines of the adult will you be my Valentine world that only exists between intimate lovers. In Kindergarten everyone is expected to think of everyone. No exceptions. You even get a name list to remind you not to forget anyone and to spell their names right. The uninhibited joy and common care that takes place because of this is...well it's just astounding, simple and exactly where I wanted to be today.

At one point a little boy came up to me smiling and said "This one is for YOU". And I died. :) It was a Spiderman Valentine and he asked me again later did I get his Valentine. Oh I did you cute little guy, I did.

May we all be a little Kindergarten like tonight and let someone know we are thinking of them. We are somebody's Valentine. You are loved and remembered by Someone no matter what was on your desk or in your mailbox today.

Happy love day.

Teddy Roosevelt

2011-02-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
--Teddy Roosevelt

Amen.

How do you view a child's challenging behaviors?

2011-02-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

The school counselor at my son's school wrote this article in our newsletter today. Thought provoking I thought. Goes more the direction of a child's motivation and child development which I believe in. Though of course from a public school perspective doesn't go into heart motivation which I think is at the root of just about everything. That said, this has me thinking and observing why I discipline or motivate the way I do and what are ways I can change the scene that might actually help my little guy do what I'd like w/o such a fight. Enjoy.

How do you view a child’s challenging behaviors?

From Zach Deets, School Counselor

Most of us probably rely heavily on a behaviorist approach and subscribe to the idea that when a child misbehaves it’s because they are either trying to get something (a reward, prize or something fun) or they are trying to avoid something (homework, chores, bed time, etc.). In other words, we believe kids do what they do because it’s somehow working for them.

When kids don’t do what we want or expect, we assume it’s because they don’t want to (or don’t want to enough). As a result, most of our energies are aimed at trying to motivate the child to do what we want. This motivation can be positive (e.g. rewards and incentives) or negative (e.g. punishments and logical or natural “consequences”). For most kids this system of rewards and punishments kind of works. Most kids do okay and seem to “get it”. But what about the kids that don’t “get it”? Or maybe they get it, but only in certain conditions or places...what about them? Do they exhibit challenging behaviors because they want to? Speaking from my own experiences, I’ve never met a kid (or adult) who didn’t want to do well. There must be more to this. Maybe it’s not just about motivation and wanting to do well.

Over the past year, I (along with a handful of other WLWV staff folks) have been reading and learning about another way of viewing challenging behaviors called the Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) approach. A week ago, several Boeckman teachers/staff and I were able to attend a two-day conference by the founder of CPS, Ross Greene, PhD. Dr. Greene suggested using a new “lens” when viewing challenging behaviors: instead of thinking “kids do well if they want to” we need to start realizing “kids do well when they can”. Challenging behaviors, he argued, are not the result of kids who aren’t motivated to do well, but rather because they lack the skills necessary to respond more appropriately. Much like a struggling reader is lacking the necessary skills to be a proficient reader, students exhibiting challenging behaviors have specific lagging skills in the areas necessary to respond appropriately to the demands of certain environments. It is our job to teach them the skills they need to be successful. It is not our job to reward or punish them for having lagging skills, just as we would not reward or punish a struggling reader.

Following are some of the key points from the conference: Kids do well if they can. Doing well is always preferable to not doing well. Why is a child exhibiting challenging behavior? Because she or he is lacking the

skills not to exhibit challenging behavior. When does the child exhibit challenging behavior? He/she exhibits challenging

behavior when the demands being placed upon him exceed the skills he/she has

to respond adaptively. What are we going to do differently now that we know why and when challenging

kids are challenging?

You can learn more about the CPS approach by visiting www.livesinthebalance.org, or by reading one of Dr. Greene’s books: Lost at School and The Explosive Child.

The essence of freedom

2011-01-30T01:49:00.005-07:00

nothing to hide. nothing to lose. nothing to prove. the essence of freedom. - J.R. Briggs

Oh those words! What a thing to be free. You know...real freedom, not the my country 'tis of thee kind (not that patriotic freedom is not of immense value). But the kind where you feel fully alive, loved, confident and you aren't afraid of anything anymore.

There is no worry when you are free. Worry consumes so much of our time, energy and self. But you can't worry if you are not hiding. In freedom there is nothing to hide from. Even yourself finally gives up on you and just accepts who you are. Then you aren't even hiding from you anymore. Of course there are the critiquers and they are never really gone, but they just don't matter anymore. They'll always be someone who finds us intolerable. God knows we find ourselves intolerable much of the time. But there can come a time when all you really trust in is the One who made you, forgives you and calls you saint. There is no hiding then. Don't even want to.

It seems like that time comes when you don't have anymore to lose. And sadly, that comes with a great price. First you have to lose big. Lose it all. Come to the end, to the bottom, to the place where you wonder how you got there and spin in a fog for what feels like far too long. But there's not a lot to worry about if you don't have something to lose. In a book i love called Searching for Home the author says "You know you've hit bottom when you start to see the light". You'll know when you've hit it. Down there somewhere in a place that feels like Hell itself the floor will finally come. But look for some light above, it's there when you are at the bottom.

I love (now...i didn't used to) in the book of Matthew when Jesus says to sell everything and follow him. Sermons and ideas and theologies have been created on this verse. And yet i have trouble thinking of many who live like that. Something happens when there is nothing left to lose that changes everything. Fear itself disappears there and for a split second you wonder if you might actually kinda get what Paul was talking about in prison when he had nothing and no one, could be beaten and spit on again (and again) and yet - he could still sing in the dark. Of course our situation isn't usually this intense, but we can certainly resonate with the reality that he didn't have anything more to lose. And yet he had everything he needed. That light above that calls us home and reminds us that nothings and somethings pale in comparison to Him, make what we "have" insignificant. But still, it seems you have to lose it all to find it.

At some point we venture forth. We have to or else we stay sullen, sad people who live in sorrow and grief or just content in our somethings all our lives. I wouldn't want to share at that memorial service. There is always grace to be poured out, gifts to be used, love to be lavished no matter what kind of life of hardship or somethings we've been handed. But the cycle that seems to squelch our freedom is in that venturing forth where we feel we must prove ourselves. And then bam...we are thrown back into worry, fear and having too much to lose and too many to hide from. Well there just isn't any worry if you have nothing to prove! Which i wonder is still connected to the nothing to lose part. Until there's nothing to lose, we have so much to prove. Churches to start and be viewed as successful, lives to change, people to influence, a group to lead, a project to finally start or finish, money to be made, titles to be acquired, and significance to be felt. If we have nothing, we have nothing to prove.

Freedom.

I want freedom. I choose it. Nothing to hide from. Nothing to lose. And nothing to prove. I know i don't have it when I can ask and answer questions like, "What am i hiding from?" "What do i have to lose?" "What do i want to prove?".

Is this not the essence of life? Christ finally being so significant that truly, all else falls in comparison.

The Net

2011-01-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

This post by Kelle Hampton describes so well my belief in friendship, the power of women gathering, and the incredible blessing it is to have a group that is there when one hurts. Thanks ladies, you know who you are.

Happy Diagnosis Day

2011-01-16T02:46:00.002-07:00

Exactly one year ago our healthy, handsome, smart, funny and full of heart boy was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

I remember this night like it was yesterday. All the memories flooding back to me now as the calendar ticks over to the date that I've had to say to so many doctors, friends and new people we've met this year. January 16th, 2010.

This night last year we knew. We knew diabetes was possible and even likely as the doctors thought his blood work was probably diabetes in the formation. But there was nothing we could do to stop it from coming. We drove Braden all the way to Madras, Oregon that day to do a swim party with his best buddy. He was looking thin, pale, his eyes a little dark underneath and very dehydrated. But we have a picture of him grinning with his arm around his buddy at the pool. We had an appointment scheduled the next morning to do a special blood test to confirm if diabetes was really the problem. We prayed, hoped and prayed some more that it was something else. As we climbed into our bed together this night last year, Kevin and I laid there with sleeping Braden in between us - and cried. The last night our family would ever know without diabetes.

The next morning the blood test confirmed it and I remember hearing our pediatrician's very sorry voice on the phone saying to me "He has diabetes". And I couldn't speak. The tears gushed and I gasped for air while Braden played with some toys in the laboratory. He had no idea what this meant or what was about to happen. He kept asking me why I was crying. It was the beginning of a very long few days in the hospital and a forever changed way of living.

After days of education with nutritionists, endocrinologists and diabetes trainers while they taught us how to take over doing the shots, finger pricks and counting of carbs ourselves - They sent us home. I remember walking in the door to our house overwhelmed with the reality of all that I was now responsible for and wishing he could be without diabetes like he used to be. I cried into my neighbor and my friend's arms while Braden ran around like a normal kid, took a normal bath, wore normal pajamas and ate normal food. All at once, we were home and we had to try out normal. My friends kept saying we would learn a new normal. But I was scared. I had no idea how to make new normal work at preschool or church or for our favorite meals or the snack cupboard.

It took practice and all week long we tried things out. He had a couple low blood sugars which scared us. And some high ones too. One time we thought he was low the Dr said he was just fine and said "When his blood sugar is fine you have to think of him like a normal 5 year old boy. Maybe he's just tired from a long day". Wow. Suddenly everything was diabetes and we had to remember he was still just a normal kid.

His preschool teachers were great and handled the news well and with professionalism and love. They made it easy on us by accommodating and being willing to learn. Friends and neighbors learned and were supportive too. A young adult friend that has Type 1 came over that next night and brought us dinner and did her finger prick and insulin shot with Braden too. What a gift! It's amazing not to be alone.

And so the learning and new normal began.

There is so much that has gone on this year in relation to diabetes. We've moved a bunch and changed endocrinologists multiple times as the care in each state is different and we've had to learn to be an advocate of our child. We've changed types of insulin and amounts of shots we give. We've tried different types of syringes and pens. We've changed finger prickers multiple times and changed the kind of test strips and meters we use. We've paid a ridiculous amount of money out monthly for copays and finally don't have hospital bills to pay anymore. A few months ago we even started him on an insulin pump, which has improved our life with diabetes dramatically. We've gone to type 1 kids diabetes family events, gone to diabetes camp, and I've found a mom's with type 1 diabetes kids group I go to. We do play dates with another 5 year old boy that has diabetes and even met a kid at the gym who also has type 1.

We've experienced a severe low blood sugar one time that scared the snot out of us and we trembled as we sped the car to the closest place with food we could find and carried him into the Burger King to force feed him orange juice while holding up his limp body. Kevin frantically ordered him a hamburger and I heard him say a little too loudly "My son has diabetes, I need food now!" We've never seen Braden eat a hamburger faster in his life.

We've had a few super high blood sugars that the meter wouldn't give us a number and just said "HIGH, check keytones now!". A couple nights I've stayed up until almost 2am with Braden waiting for the insulin to kick in to get his blood sugar down low enough so that he could sleep.

We've survived 2 bouts of sickness this year which is much harder with diabetes kids. Both times he developed keytones (a hormone the body produces when they are sick or have high blood sugar and it can be deadly serious if not dealt with) and I was on constant round the clock care checking blood sugars and keytones every hour or so while also doing math on insulin and caring for his fever or vomiting. It is a liberating moment when you see the keytones go down to normal knowing that you conquered the damn things by doing the right stuff!

I've washed more peed through clothes than I ever thought possible (urination and frequent drinking are common signs of high blood sugars) this year. I've got a stash of candy and fast acting sugars for low blood sugar times in the pantry. I carry candy in my purse even. And I've used it and had to replace it many many times this year. I've set my alarm to 1am every night for 3-4 weeks in a row to check his blood sugar when we went on the pump as we had to make sure the settings were working right and he wasn't going too high or too low. Braden has woken me up countless nights this year when he had a low blood sugar and it woke him up - he comes to my bed and says "Mom, I'm hungry"...and it's game time. We are up for at least a half hour to an hour checking his blood sugar, eating fast acting carbs, waiting for them to kick in, and then checking again. If blood sugar still not high enough...we do it all over again.

I've downloaded multiple carb counting apps to my phone and I'm always on the lookout for a better one. I've memorized probably 100's of foods carb counts. I can look at a plate or bag of food almost anywhere and say.."Hmm...20 carbs". Or 40, or 10, or...you name it. And sometimes I am grossly off on my guess and pay for it later when the meter reads a high or low and my son feels terrible. And I still feel guilty and get mad at myself when I do that even though the kind Dr's and educators tell me this is part of diabetes and I didn't do anything wrong.

Braden's been the kid at sports games that lies down in the middle of the field when he gets a low and then can't participate for the rest of the time because we are trying to get his blood sugar back up again. He's also the kid at the grocery store that pees his pants and asks for water because I didn't realize he had a high blood sugar.

I can't recall how many days I've sat holding Braden after he's had a shot or a prick or had to not get what he wanted to eat. He's yelled, cried and been angry often. So have I. We've all said "I hate diabetes" a whole lot of times this year.

...... But after all of that, after a year of so much more than I could ever write down. The anniversary of it is here. I want to acknowledge it by remembering. And maybe crying in the bathroom for a moment tomorrow. But Braden says he wants to celebrate it. A friend told me tonight that we've cried plenty of tears this year. That why not celebrate it? Celebrate that we've made it through a year! We did it! This family of ours has survived a year of diabetes.

And so tomorrow as we wake and do the things we will do - I think we will do more than remember. We will celebrate our boy and our family. He is very healthy and happy and we have come a long way in learning about this disease and how to walk through it each day. We will be thankful for all the families that have gone before us to help make things easier for us than they were for them. Things like pumps and less painful prickers and educating schools so that our kids can be treated respectfully and not like weirdos. We will be mindful of the many families we've met whose kids have diabetes too and remember we are not alone. We will be grateful for our friends and families that have been such huge support to us this year and have learned so much about diabetes and have helped care for Braden when we've had to be away.

We will celebrate the healthy life of our precious boy. And the strength of our little family.

And when we lay down to sleep tomorrow night, I will pray again for the thousandth time, for a cure.

Grace is New Math

2011-01-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

So these days, I'm on the lookout for grace, and I'm especially on the lookout for ways that I withhold grace from myself and from other people. At first, showing people grace makes you feel powerful, like scattering candy from a float in a parade - grace for you, grace for you. You become almost giddy, thinking of people in generous ways, allowing for their faults, absorbing minor irritations. You feel great, and then you start to feel just ever so slightly superior, because you're so incredibly evolved and gracious.

But then inevitably something happens, and it usually involves you confronting one of your worst selves, often in public, and you realize that you're not throwing candy off a float to a nameless, dirty public, but rather that you are that nameless, dirty public, and that you are starving and on your knees, praying for a little piece of sweetness, just one mouthful of grace.

- Bittersweet, By Shauna Niequist. From the chapter Grace is New Math

Shauna Niequist's recent book is absolutely captivating. My son is off school today and the car is in the shop so we are stranded here at home reading superhero books and watching movies. I caught him a bit ago dressed as a cowboy going out on the farm, in the rain, to rustle up some fun. It's going to be a 2 baths kind of day for him. Snuggled up in a blanket by the fire with this book that I've been wanting to get for a good while now, and last night a friend lent it to me, I am captured.

Those that have experienced loss and hurt in such a disastrous way where you enter a fog that lasts for months that are too numerous to count that you can't remember how long they spanned or if it matters anyway - speak differently than those who just have thoughts or have studied a lot. The experience of pain cannot be understood in any other way than actually going through it. Which is incredibly, unacceptably, wholly unfortunate. But there is a seeing what you could never have seen that comes in these times and those authors, song writers, musicians, pastors and friends that have been there or are there are the ones you want to sit close with in these kind of times. And so one must curl up with a book like this and savor each word and remember the pain and suck the life out of every morsel there is in life to be had, because oh my, there is so much life to be lived!

All my favorite people are broken

2011-01-06T01:59:00.000-07:00

My favorite song right now and likely for a long time to come. Karin Bergquist and husband Linford sing and write this one out splendidly. The words speak boldly but as you listen to the music it invigorates in resonance to the soul that has experienced brokenness in friendship. YES! Is all I can think to say in response. And I sing the song daily to remind myself of what is true about the people I love and who the companions are in life that walk with me and how I will walk with and welcome them.

All my favorite people, by Over the Rhine (new album, The Long Surrender)

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

Some prayers are better left unspoken
I just wanna hold you
And let the rest go

All my friends are part saint and part sinner
We lean on each other
Try to rise above

We're not afraid to admit we're all still beginners
We're all late bloomers
When it comes to love

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

Orphaned believers, skeptical dreamers
Step forward
You can stay right here
You don't have to go

Is each wound you've received
Just a burdensome gift?
It gets so hard to lift
Yourself up off the ground

But the poet says, We must praise the mutilated world
We're all workin' the graveyard shift
You might as well sing along

All my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

(As for) your tender heart -
This world's gonna rip it wide open
It ain't gonna be pretty
But you're not alone

'Cause all my favorite people are broken
Believe me
My heart should know

Orphaned believers, skeptical dreamers
You're welcome
Yeah, you're safe right here
You don't have to go

'Cause all my favorite people are broken
Believe me
I should know

Some prayers are better left unspoken
I just wanna hold you
And let the rest go

New stuff to defy age

2011-01-06T01:34:00.000-07:00

Ah heck, while working on the bod why not work on the face as well? This is my year of health. I've been a fan of Mary Kay since years ago when my friend hosted a party for her younger sister who was just starting out in the company. I have sensitive skin and had been a faithful Clinique user since...well since like 6th grade when my mom kindly took me to the counter at the mall and had them do me up - because oh my GOSH my skin was a mess and I was a bit of an ugly duckling. :) Thanks mom. I liked Clinique and it did the job.

But after an hour with this adorable 20 year old Mary Kay gal whose skin glowed in a way mine never did - I asked Kevin to write a check for the miracle set, I was transferring over. Mary Kay has been every bit as comparable to Clinique and is a little less expensive. If you know me you know I don't really like errands either so going to the mall to get my makeup was a major downer. MK delivers, often times in person to your door - and free shipping! Plus their 3 in 1 timewise aging stuff is simpler than the 5 step process I'd been using. Your face truly does have a glow to it even. And their age defying stuff is pretty fantastic for the price.

So if you are looking something good to wash your face with (apparently washing the face 2wice a day keeps the dead skin off and helps skin to regenerate and keep younger looking), get some new colors, or step it up in the age defying department - I am happy to be your go to lady. Fun way to stay in touch, have someone actually check in on how your face is doing from time to time, and get a good product for a fair price.

Click here to see the latest catalog. Pages 12-15 have the age defying stuff. Happy browsing!

Who knew you could drink your veggies in a YUMMY way?

2010-12-29T17:35:00.003-07:00

have i seriously found the secret to a fit body?? We shall see...

i mentioned a few posts ago, my sis started coaching for beachbody.com and then became a turbo kick instructor. so i've been a good supportive big sister and bought a workout dvd, have gone faithfully to her classes and recently started drinking the shakes.

the workout dvd's are fun. the one i use is called Turbo Jam. you do them at home on your dvd player (which is nice so you don't have to worry about going out to work out where people see you and the best being NO CHILDCARE). it's punches and kicks and stuff. i like it cause its fast moving, good music, and lots of punching. :) it's trimmed my waistline like no other exercise i've done. i'm back to my college weight and am toning up. the gal on my dvd says "it's never to late to have the abs you want". Well...we'll see - i'm getting there.

my sister's classes....well if you can get to Canby, Oregon they are SO worth it. she's a blast (think red hair and lots of energy) and does such a great job making new people feel welcome. i am so proud of her. classes are monday night 6:45pm, wednesday morning 6am, thursday night 6:45pm or friday morn 6am. contact her if u want more info:

http://www.facebook.com/hollykicks

ok, the shakes. it's a meal replacement and is called SHAKEOLOGY. so though they are pricey...you don't have to buy groceries for that meal. so it ends up being $4 a shake. especially great for those working people who eat out a lot or grab Starbucks a lot. this is cheaper than those habits and SO much better for you. they are chocolate shakes (you can get green berry if you like that better) and for those of you that know me, you know how i love chocolate shakes! the nutrition is amazing - my sis had her naturopath check it out and it's all natural, gluten free and has healing plants in it too like wheat grass and berries and whatever good stuff all my health kick friends are into. :) so for a non veggie eating person like myself it's been great to know i'm getting such good nutrition once a day. and it doesn't taste funky if you blend it up with ice and a few ingredients of your liking (i use peanut butter and honey). if you know me, you know how i will NOT eat funky tasting weirdness. this is actually yum.

i make my shake in the morning (some people like to do it for lunch or dinner). i don't get hungry much during the day cause it fills you up SO much. it's only like 200 calories (this includes my dollops of peanut butter and honey) a shake so i mean WOW....just a heck of a lot less calories a day so you lose weight fast but stay healthy at the same time. it's helped people my sis knows with hormone issues and clears up people's acne (it has mine), gives you more energy and supposed to help with "mental clarity" as well. ha! nothing secret other than amazing ingredients and good nutrition on a daily basis. most of us just don't eat that well - I try to, but when you read the ingredients in this it humbles what I am actually eating. doing this for one meal a day has made me feel healthier, i'm not overeating or gaining weight anymore, my face looks great...i just feel good. and then i can eat a nice big ol dinner cause i ate so few calories during the day!

anyway, not sure what your eating and exercise habits are like or if you want to change them, but if you want an easy way to shed some pounds, tone up and know you are eating healthy....check out shakeology and turbo jam. :) yes, i signed up to be a coach too (blame my sis). it was free this month.

have fun browsing.

Quotes & a sermon

2010-12-16T01:17:00.000-07:00

Some things that have me pausing this week, welling over with resonance, or that have opened up something new:

Quotes:

"The assumption taught in many Christian groups is that emotions will follow in accord with your choice of will. If you feel angry, then do good, because in doing good you will eventually not be angry. Even better, if you do good long enough, then you will actually feel loving emotions toward the person who did you harm. ... More must be done than shouting commands to love.

Love is at the core of change. But as love is defined by some, it lacks purpose, passion and strength. In reaction to a culture that sees love as a whim based on the unpredictability of emotion, some Christians have opted for a decision-based, emotionless act of the will to be nice and inoffensive. Love is many things, but it is never weak or lacking in passion." - from a book by Dan Allender.

--

"Don't believe everything you think." - from a bumper sticker my friend saw in Sisters, OR. Brilliant.

--

"Just because it was said on twitter doesn't mean it actually happened." - from a friend the other night at a crafting party

Sermon:
One of the best sermons I've ever listened to. This one is on calling and it's applicable for everyone. Have a listen if you like on the way to work on your iPhone or in the kitchen while doing dishes one of these days. It's inspiring. Real security and the call of God

Sanctuary

2010-12-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

Ah....that word. Sanctuary. I've always liked that word. Though I'm not sure I ever understood what it meant before nor have I ever used it in sentence or thought previous to tonight. But I do believe I love the word. It's rich and full and is so deep with implication. It's both building and Person. As if you are walking into a cathedral whose doors and walls are safe or collapsing into the arms of Jesus himself. It's both feeling and description of Truth. It's....coming home. Not to our childhood home or the home we've fabricated here on earth...but coming home, home. To Him. To the One that made us and dreamed us up, watches us, labors with us and works while we sleep on things way bigger than our maturity can comprehend.

I'm reading a book called "Searching for Home" by M. Craig Barnes. There's lots in this book. Lots. And I'm barely started. But this section on worship captivated me today. Here it is. Some excerpts from a chapter called Finding Sanctuary. I bolded the parts I couldn't help but bold.

We don't go to worship because we prefer to be there. We go because it's the last place on earth, the still place that binds the chaotic world to our true home.

...

When people come to worship, I don't tell them "Welcome home!". That's what they want to hear, and why they rush to the sanctuary in times of disaster. Some preachers tell their congregation that their new home is with the new family, the church. However, even in the most spiritualized sense of the term home, this isn't quite right. More accurately what we should say is that in the church you have found long-lost brothers and sisters who are as confused about home as you are.

...

Worship is the means by which we renew our longing for the true home. Good worship has to confess both how much we long for home and how lost we have become in our search for it. Thus the point of worship is not to find home but to become more clear about exactly what home it is we are yearning to find.

...

When we come to worship, our souls look a lot like these beat-up fish who have tried to climb back home. And so the first thing we have to do in worship is confess that we're never going to make it. This is just one of the reasons the church has historically called its place of worship a sanctuary. One of the great services the church provides society is to be the unique place where we find sanctuary from all of the other means of salvation that peddle one more thing for us to try in the vain quest to get life to the right place.

I spend much of my life trying to get to some feeling of home, create home for my family now or remember home as it once was in my child hood. But I'll never arrive or fully accomplish it. It's not mine to accomplish. I see now it may simply be something to receive. At one point in this book he describes the Normal Rockwell version of the Thanksgiving table. He comments that "if he had wanted to give us a glimpse of the true family table it would have been stained with painful memories, a chair would have been vacant to remind the family of the loved one who recently died, and at least one person at the table wouldn't be able to smile. There isn't a family on earth that is spared any of these harsh realities". Ouch.

And yet something deep melts as I know this is true and am relieved that the pressure to fake my way through the table during the holidays is off. Or if faking isn't the struggle than perhaps that weird holiday let down is. I mean everyone was together and the turkey was great right? The kids shared what they were thankful for and everything went off without a hitch and we are SO aware of how good we have it. Though gratefulness and joy abound and truly...to be with family and friends around the table is a welcome and glorious reason for thankfulness - it is not and will never be my true home. Knowing where my home is - well that's where I want to dwell. Thank God we have families and friends to dwell in it with us until we are there.

Instructions for living a life

2010-10-26T00:11:00.000-06:00

Instructions for living a life. Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it. ~Mary Oliver

Hemingway

2010-10-10T00:36:00.000-06:00

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

– Ernest Hemingway

Open like a lake

2010-07-16T10:52:00.000-06:00

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake

Like a Lake, lyrics (and music) by Sara Groves - click link to listen

Last week dished some blows to the Rogers. As news of cancers, a miscarriage & adultery surfaced in several dear ones, so did relational and spiritual attacks as well as failing friendships with us. All in one week. Really, all in just a couple days.

We are tired. We've been tried to the core.

I would very much like to close up and disappear. And am figuring out if there is a way that I can get away with that. Because being open is risky. People can betray, offer nothing, lie, judge or attack. And I can do the same with them. No wonder we prefer to stay closed and only portray the best of ourselves to each other. Being open is an incredibly vulnerable place to be.

I'm loving the image of a lake that Sara Groves describes in her song. Standing at the edge and seeing....everything. I can see shore to shore on most lakes, very little to hide. Just wide open splendor drawing me in and beckoning me to explore her. Lakes are my most favorite water source, playground and spiritual refuge. I want to resonate with the metaphor of being wide open as a lake so characteristically is.

This week I'd like to not be open. Oh how I wish any openness in me would be taken away so that I can live a private life! Granted there are some wisdom issues I am studying and asking God to change me in regarding who is safe and wise to be open with. But mostly I'd like to close up like so many I know and keep my secrets, thoughts and struggles to myself. It's hurtful and too exposing to be open. Being open invites abuse. Being open lets strangers see the ugly.

I'm fighting to stay open. I believe in being open. There is nothing I hold so close that can't be exposed to the Light. I hope.

On being beautiful

2010-06-25T13:09:00.000-06:00

I started a new blog for beauty. Check it out here.

A place for a boy

2010-06-09T21:22:00.000-06:00

The spiritual life cannot be made suburban. It is always frontier, and we who live in it must accept and even rejoice that it remains untamed.
- Howard Macey

This is my favorite image of this past month. My boy, standing confidently and boldly at the edge of the lake at the park that is 2 blocks from our home. Trees lining the skyline, mountains spiking up the back, grassy hills surrounding him.

We've been having dangerous and long conversations lately about faith and war.

Starting with war...I can't explain it. Boys and guns or fighting seem to be a fascination I'll honestly never fully understand. Ask his Dad, maybe he gets it. The other day he was absolutely riveted at finding out his great-grandfather (who he knows and lives in Portland) was in a war. And that G-pa's friends died, his ship was attacked, he was bailing out water and people had died right next to him. He's asked me to tell him more about it every night this week. I told him to ask his G-pa when we go to Portland this weekend. I hope he doesn't have nightmares. God knows his G-pa has over the years.

But I would pay money for a front row seat at he and his G-pa's conversation this week. I prepped him for it and told him G-pa will talk slow and talk for a long time so he needs to be patient. But to ask him the questions he has, and remember, this is a very sad story for G-pa.

He's also becoming more aware and interested in this thing called church that his Mom and Dad are obviously quite passionate about. I think he thinks we are crazy to move away from the home, family and people we loved in Portland to come start a CHURCH (I would too if I were him). So naturally...he's got some questions and is watching.

One day recently he asked me to tell him all about God. So I told him some attributes that I thought described God. He asked me to tell him more. Hmm...interesting. I started paying attention. So, I talked about Jesus and what he did for us and why, and who he is.

"Tell me more Mama."

Surprised at his prolonged interest I launched into the story of God...from the beginning. Told him a brief chronology of Adam and Eve through the Old Testament and then to Christ and how he redeemed it all, ending with present. All the while waiting for him to completely lose interest and change the subject. I mean, that's an earful for any adult I know.

"Tell me more Mama."

At this, I paused. Unsure how to proceed. My son, it seemed, wanted to know MORE. Not just the story, but my story. And so I started to tell him about my own faith with God. When I accepted Jesus and how that changed everything for me. How as you grow to know Jesus more you learn to "hear" him and to "see" him and that the bible is something he had people write for us to know all about him. Which absolutely fascinated my 5 year old boy. He wanted to know HOW i heard him and WHAT did i see and WHERE.

Explaining the mysteries and holy spirit-ness of faith in Christ to a child I find the ultimate challenge of my theology. If I can't make sense of it to him I don't have a chance of believing it myself. There is believing by faith, and there is blindly believing. To me they seem different.

There came a point where he wanted to please me. To tell me that he is like me. He wanted so badly to identify with me in that place of God in my heart. He told me he sees God too (but couldn't of course articulate how) and hears him. And that he knows Jesus and accepts him too.

Beautiful I thought. But not the faith I want for him. To blindly follow his Mama without really understanding it and to even make up experiences with God in order to please her. No my son. For you we shall embark upon a different journey. One where you watch and are part of it all, but not expected to perform. I will pray today and forever for your heart to hear Jesus' heart and story and to respond to him. But that is between you and he. With me...you are fully accepted, fully part of, and wrapped up lovingly with our God and faith with freedom to ask questions, to watch and observe and most of all....to run to the shore in the beauty this city offers and just - be.

Be in the wonder and adventure this life is. Riding in the wind close by your Daddy's side and in the extreme passion of your Mommy's heart.

God help us raise him well.

He's not soft

2010-05-30T00:52:00.000-06:00

"Change. We don't like it. We fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying, but here's the truth: sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything."
-Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

We've been growing here in Salt Lake City. Our church is growing. Our relationships with people are growing. Our knowledge and appreciation for this city and our neighborhood are growing. Even our feeling of making a home here is growing.

I am growing too. Oh in ways I didn't even know I had to grow. Every day, each week, some new discovery is made in my heart regarding the places I need to change. God has been kind and slow in this revealing. I much prefer fast (like get it done in a couple weeks) but apparently He has some work to do in me that is taking some time and is allowing me to be led into a very different life. I stumbled upon this gem today:

"God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change." - Romans 2:4 (The Message)

Choosing to embrace these discoveries or dismiss them has been a difficult one. It has been consistent for me since the beginning of me that I don't really like it when someone says "Wow, you are just SO different now." Really not a fan of that. And yet I know I should be. I mean dang, they see CHANGE in me. But the first thing that pops into my head is, "oh...I was lame before, and they saw it." I know, total pride. I also keep forgetting that I'll never arrive. At anything. In fact, the older I get the less I realize I know and the prospect of arriving anywhere is even more outrageous.

So instead of arriving anywhere I seem to be being led to a new way of living. I don't know what this looks like entirely yet. But I can say that I've been led firmly away from all that I knew and loved - and am being asked to give all that I have and am away to these new people. And in that simple act - I'm learning a new way to live.

It has something to do with not clinging. A theme that dramatically appeared in my life the year before we were led to come here. I don't mean that to sound like I am coming here to love new people only to leave them again. I pray not. That doesn't seem to be how God works in Kevin and I. We tend to stay long and invest deeply. But in that I've noticed my propensity to cling. To people, to safety, to comfort, to longevity.

This new way of living God seems to be severely inviting me toward has more to do with Him and I. I and He. Us. The only God and me. Christ in me, through me and all for the glory of Him I hope for sure. But this new living isn't likely to cling to people, to safety, to comfort or even longevity. Those things will play a part but they are losing their defining roles and the power they held before. This new living is about something much bigger. Fuller. And is changing me to the core.

A month in pictures

2010-05-04T22:40:00.001-06:00

So much has happened this month it's really amazing. So as a tribute and an update to those who are dear...here is our month in pictures:

We moved. Again. From the one month stay at the rental to a small home we bought in the 9th and 9th area of Salt Lake. Braden helped me paint...one room. All the other rooms still need painted. We'll get to it. :)

Braden was "Star of the Week" at school. They made him a poster where they wrote down what each kid in the class liked about him. It was just what this Mom and Dad needed, especially the part where we got to share what we liked most about him. Daddy came to school that day too and Braden was on cloud 9.

Had our first house church on Easter Sunday. I cried tears of joy as we all sang together, kids played and did an egg hunt and we took communion. Being together, beginning to fall in love with these people, the people of God, again - has been so wonderful. We are small but intentional and pouring out our lives in front of each other and to those in Salt Lake we get to work with, play with, etc - to change and become more like Him. So grateful.

Braden has a new friend at our church called Lily Kate. OH MY GOSH is she cute or what?? And THEY together...adorable. They had Easter candy shoved in their mouths for this gem of a pic.

Braden's birth mother Erin flew out to see us on Easter Sunday! It snowed the days after while she was here and we had fun showing her around and being with her.

Our street in the snow. Beautiful!

Braden turned 5 years old! We got him a snowboard. Fitting for Utah living we thought. We worried he wouldn't have a great day as he missed his Portland friends and family so much, but ended up looking just like this all day long. Gifts poured in from the mail and we had a very special day.

We had a bowling party for him and he LOVED it!

His new buddy Hank came and had a blast together...blasting things. Hooray for new buddies!

His birth Grammy came too!!! She flew in just in time for the party. Such a welcome face for his special day.

Levi (Kevin's nephew) moved here this month too!! He and his girlfriend Laura came to Braden's party too. We decided we needed to have a little fun for our boy and busted out these bowling poses while Braden danced in the background.

Somewhere in here Kevin's parents came but I failed to get a picture of them (and they came again last week too!). Had a great time with them, they helped a lot on the house and we had tea and they even came to house church with us. Love you guys! It's so nice to be a bit closer to them as they are just over in Colorado and we are on their driving path to go visit their family in Idaho, Washington, California or Oregon. We'll be seeing them more often now I think.

Then my friend Caroline came! And..I forgot to get a picture of her as well. But she was beautiful and wonderful and brought one of her cute kids with her - who ended up getting the stomach flu AS she was going through the security line at the airport to come visit us. Can you even imagine? She is such a trooper and amazingly her beautiful little boy was as sweet as pie the whole time he was here even though he was sick. We didn't let him thwart our plans. We stayed up late into the night talking and crying (our favorite past time) spilling our hearts to one another and encouraging each other. We shopped and ate good food and then repeated. God has done crazy beautiful things in her and I love being her friend through the years. It was but a couple days visit but worth every moment.

We had a couple days w/o visitors to bust out some progress on Braden's room (note should be taken that all the visitors helped us with the house in some way whether by unloading the car multiple times, lifting heavy furniture, helping me deal with people from Craig's list/ksl that were buying all our too big furniture, or putting together new furniture. Thanks everybody!). So here's the beginnings of his soon to be awesome room:

Then Ben came!! Ben is Braden's birth father. We had the best time with him we have yet. Just hung out and caught up on life and the weather was beautiful and warm. Ben said it was hot! :) Summer has been trying to come!

And then Jen came!!!!! Kevin and Kyle took off for a church planting conference out in Florida right about the time Ben left and Jen arrived. Oh how we've missed our Jen! We lapped her up. This is the day she arrived after we picked up Braden from school and it was summery warm out. We walked over to Liberty Park and as I was walking up the hill to capture their cuteness sitting together I noticed the view they were taking in of the lake, the mountains and the newly blooming trees. It was a perfect day.

We did tons of stuff with Jen as she was here the longest and the sun was shining warm. We did all our emotional woman to woman stuff catching up and speaking into each other's lives and just enjoying each other's company. But we played a lot with Braden, saw a ton of sights, explored city creek with Joy, and did some big IKEA shopping for the house. One day we went to Gateway mall and played in the fountain with Braden it was so hot out.

When everyone left we went to Braden's first pediatrician appointment out here and immediately loved their practice, his nurse and him. New doc listened to my concerns about the care Braden is getting for his diabetes here and referred us to a private practice doc that is both pediatrician and endocrinology certified. We are waiting for our appointment to see him but are hopeful that this doc will be what we are looking for. Braden is healthy, smart and ready for Kindergarten!

Speaking of Kindergarten...we went to Kindergarten orientation at our local school and really loved the whole place. Huge relief for me. We got to meet all 4 of the Kindergarten teachers and Braden got to go to each of their classrooms and get taught for 5-10 min by each of them. He picked his favorite teacher as did we and we are waiting to hear at the end of May who his teacher is. He did his Kindergarten assessment and did well and they told me they thought he'd be a great learner. I am so excited for him I can hardly stand it. I want to be with him each day to soak it up with him - but instead I'll be the crying mama in the corner saying goodbye to her Kinder on the first day I'm sure. But I signed up for everything the PTA and school would let me sign up for so I imagine I will be quite busy there and will get to build some relationships with the community there.

After that I had a week to nest a bit. It turned cold again and snowed! Crazy mountain weather. The tulips in the snow I thought just strange and beautiful enough to snap a picture while leaving Braden's preschool one day.

Braden and I got to painting again and finished my first ever laundry room! More to do in this room but for now it is Mango Tango Bean in color and is making my domestic world a little brighter.

And then right before our most recent visitors came...I mostly finished the play room!! Braden wanted a jungle theme. This, is his jungle cabin apparently. We have agreed to just one outfit at a time from his room can be put here (he likes to bring a weeks worth of clothes to it plus food and supplies so he can live in it for some time).

A fantastic surprise came to us earlier last month when we found out some friends from Portland that have a daughter Braden's age were moving out to Salt Lake to join us on this venture of starting a church. They arrived here on Saturday evening and have been staying with us a bit till their house they bought closes. Welcome Nash, Kora and Bellie! We are thrilled you are here. Katie and Noah, also friends from Portland, will be moving out here in the fall and they helped drive Nash, Kora and Bellie out so they are in town visiting as well. Super fun group and on Saturday night when they all (plus Kyle and Joy) sat around my dining table for the first time since we moved here...it felt like a piece of home.

So now we have a few days to wrap some things up before we head out to Tennessee this weekend for a week long church planting assessment we need to do for the church planting organization that is funding our church.

We shall see what this next month brings!

Love to you all that care about these pictures and know us.

May He abound in all our lives through the crazy, through the moments, and through our living.

Well done

2010-04-24T01:12:00.000-06:00

I have had visitors here in our home this entire month. Starting Easter Sunday through today we have had only one maybe two nights alone here in our house. We are blessed. Lucky and enjoying the sweetness of people who love us, love our son and want to help us get settled in here.

But I have to say...inside, in the deep emotional places that you don't speak of till someone asks or you have some time alone with your computer in the middle of the night - I am so embarrassed that people have had to see me/us this way.

It's pride swallowing. We've been as unsettled as it gets. Our house won't be up and running till this summer at the rate we are going. Boxes still not unpacked, unfurnished rooms, furniture still to sell so we can furnish others, painting needing to be done, deep cleaning needed everywhere, decorations hung, the list is endless. Not only the house but our emotions with all that we've had going on with the loss of little she, Braden's diabetes, and being uprooted from our family and community in Portland. We are still transitioning to life & church in a new city. New schools, new friends, new house, new neighbors, new airport, new church, new streets, new freeway systems, new grocery store, new new new. It's true that I've been overwhelmed, grieving & absolutely exhausted.

Which, happens to us all at some point. Especially in transition.

But I find it thoroughly humbling and pride swallowing that anyone else should be witness to my mess. We all want to show our good side, have people leave with a taste of wanting some of our life. We can't help it, we're all jacked that way. And for most of us, we expect to be impressed when we go somewhere. Not many of us really want to see the hard side of someones inner and outer transition. But for us...our snazzy side is apparently in hiding for the season.

I am imagining and pondering that God is likely quite pleased with this state we are in. With this state I am in. He longs for just us. Not us put together. In fact I believe He would rather have the vulnerable not put together Karen as opposed to the Karen that I prefer.

Which is interesting.

Interesting that I feel so embarrassed that people have seen me this way. When really I'm right in the warm spot of God's hand with my head on his heart because let's face it, I'm weak and don't have a lot to offer. Not just now - but ever. He really doesn't need me to offer Him or anyone anything. He just wants me. Unorganized (gasp), struggling me. And in His unfathomable mystery - He gets the glory then.

I've been thinking how nice it would be to have someone come and just tell me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what i need to do, and that as hard as it all can be, my faith and daily giving of myself is beautiful and pleasing to the Lord. I tried this out recently, giving what I wish to receive on a dear friend. Telling her that in the midst of all she is going through that is doing a good job. She's not failing and in fact - she's the closest picture of Christ I've seen in her yet.

For all the tired mama's and hurting people:

You are beautiful. In your brokenness right now you are the most dependent on God that you've ever been. It has been encouraging to my own faith to see how God is answering prayer and pouring Himself over your family and you right now. You are doing everything that you can and giving it everything that you have. And it is enough. It is exactly what God has for you right now.

You are in His heartbeat and He is beating through you and I can feel it. Everyone can. He's bleeding from you and being raised again through you. Just your dependence and trust in Him.

Your attentiveness to the needs of your family though exhausting for you and I realize makes you crazy and causes you to wonder if you are failing - is just the opposite. It's amazing. Amazing what a woman can do when she pours out all that she has each day upon her family and makes tough decisions on their behalf. You are displaying what it is to be the ultimate servant which is so much like Christ it's awing.

Your ability to share your story, fears and journey with others is so helpful to the church. They are seeing God in the flesh in you and that is so important. Your belief in your husband and looking to him is pleasant and becoming. It makes me look up to you and want to know how you can trust that man because I want to trust mine like that.

In your apparent weakness you are stronger than ever right now. Strength in weakness. It's profound though I don't think I'll ever fully understand it. Nothing can take your love for your family or for your God away from you. And that makes you a strong and beautiful and courageous woman who at the end of the day - depends not on her own perfection or beauty or organization or impressing anyone, but depends on her God.

I want to be like you. I praise God for you and lift Him higher having known you. Truly there is joy to be had in suffering. Because you are exhibiting that in it's essence right now - praising Him in the midst of deep sorrow. My tears are with yours and I'd sit and hold you for an hour if I were with you in person.

Our God is great and I see Him displayed in your life right now. It's going to change people and draw them to Him. It's going to change everything. It's ministry in it's fullness. Good job faithful and humble servant. Good job mama. Good job adoring wife. Good job friend.

"Well done good and faithful servant." - Matthew 25:21

It's me

2010-04-19T00:36:00.001-06:00

I am channeling Sarah Groves this week. There are a few songs on her current album that I think speak to such deep and important themes in our lives. I'm playing them over and over in my house. Our walls are filled with her music as we rebuild our home here in Salt Lake City. This video uses one of her songs in it that I love and is a tender depiction of marriage and how easily we get unconnected with each other - and how easy it is to repent and own and come together again. It's appropriately titled, "It's me".

Standin here with you and nothin to hide

2010-04-19T00:22:00.000-06:00

I'm in love with this song and am so impressed to hear Sara Groves go so deeply into this subject. I am digging how she thinks and lets it out in writing and music. She's thinking through some of the biggies in life, the toughest stuff in being part of each others lives, and on being the church. This song, for me, is the essence of what it is to enter into community. Though it was written more about marriage, that is a whole different blog post. For me, the first time I listened to it I was in tears thinking of relationships with each other. Marriage included. But also friendships and being the church with one another.

What if every house church or home community should dwell upon the lyrics for a week or two? Maybe we would say these words to our closest friends, "go on and ask me anything". Or, "I've got to ask you something, please don't be afraid". And off we would go into the deep friendship in one another's lives that we all so crave and desire.

To be free. To be free.

Perhaps my favorite line (and there are many) in this song is simply the words

"Baby it's me. It's me".

How many times have I sat across the table or chair from someone I love and long to know better and thought those words. It's ME! The one who loves you, sticks up for you, speaks well of you, has been through crazy and back with you. It's me. Please open up. I want to KNOW you.

And yet, on the flip side...being in that scary place where I'm really not sure at all whether they will get me, can they handle me?, will they understand? What if they think I'm wrong and they speak poorly of me or worse...ignore me? But then comes the sweet sweetness of vulnerability, authenticity and laying your heart open in front of another. Having them not only reciprocate but actually really hear you. Believe you. Be in it with you as lovingly as love can be. In the fullness of love to the point where they actually help you see where you are not owning something and can help you lay down your fight.

It's in the together where we become more Holy. I rarely get very far on my own. Thank God.

Different Kinds of Happy
By Sarah Groves

go on and ask me anything
what do you need to know
I'm not holding on to anything
I'm not willing to let go of
to be free, to be free

I've got to ask you something
but please don't be afraid
there's a promise here that's heavier
than your answer might weigh
baby it's me, it's me

it's a sweet, sweet thing
standing here with you and nothing to hide
light shining down to our very insides
sharing our secrets, bearing our souls,
helping each other come clean

secrets and cyphers
there's no good way to hide
there's redemption in confession
and freedom in the light
I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

better than our promises
is the day we got to keep them
I wish those two could see us now
they never would believe how
there are different kinds of happy
different kinds of happy
there are different kinds of happy
different kinds of happy

Sticks and Stones

2010-04-15T00:56:00.000-06:00

Loved this blog from Josh Patterson at Village Church. Well said.

The Village

Expecting at every turn

2010-04-03T22:34:00.000-06:00

"The only way a servant can remain true to God is to be ready for the Lord's surprise visits. This readiness will not be brought about by service, but through intense spiritual reality, expecting Jesus Christ at every turn. This sense of expectation will give our life the attitude of childlike wonder He wants it to have." - Oswald Chambers

Before the Morning

2010-04-03T22:27:00.001-06:00

A poem for the night before the Morning

Have I come to late to the cross?
Such regret
They’ve taken You, they’ve carried You
They’ve cradled You so tenderly
Across this savage hillside to a tomb

And there, with myrrh and aloes sweet
They bathed your head, your hands, your feet
Balm for fatal wounds suffered as ransom,
Your life for mine

They’ve shrouded You, enveloped You
Buried You behind a stone
I am undone
I am alone

Have I come to late to the cross?
Such regret
That all that I had meant to say
Might now remain unsaid
I was silent
You are dead

I fall upon my knees and press my face against this stone
And cry out to the night
That I was loved, that I was known
That I was lifted from my shame, my guilt
To stand beside You,
Lover of my soul
You called me friend, You called me bride
That I had found my shelter in the strength of your embrace
That I had tasted mercy
That I had tasted grace
And though You said You’d die for me
I died, with your last breath
There is no life for me if not for You,
I am bereft

I beat my fists against this tomb that tears your life from me
And whisper what I pray that You can hear

That I believe

- By Kathy Douglass

Not asking

2010-03-13T23:25:00.001-07:00

I have started reading/praying through the Psalms - and - something is hitting me squarely in the heart. It seems a very stark, very obvious element is missing from my own prayers.

I'm not asking for anything.

I do an occasional praise because I believe He is worthy to be praised no matter where I am at physically or emotionally. But I am not asking anything of Him. My son asks for things at night and I pray them for him, but none for me. None.

The Psalms are full of asking. Of crying and pleading and wanting and needing, all mixed in with receiving and hearing and hoping.

In my quiet state here in my new city I have simply quit asking anything of God. I wonder if I have given up, resigned myself to being here and waiting for something of remote interest to rear itself while I stay pathetically disengaged. I mean WHY ASK, why voice? God made me leave everything I loved, was supported by, gave our hearts to and was comforted with - and sent us here. I am fairly mad. Complacent. Withdrawn even. If anything I think I am waiting for Him to impress me with His awesomeness that He so desired to bring us here for. Kind've like a taunt, "Well, we're here! You wanna show up already?" Wow, check me out. It's great to hear yourself out loud - only to hear how pathetic and prideful you are.

When I wake up in the morning or go throughout my day my prayers just don't sound like those in the Psalms that I am attempting to pray. Indeed my prayers are weak, mocking or non existent.

Oh God break me of this! I have no desire to be void of needing you. I see the glimpses in me where I call out, where I see your majesty and listen to your voice - I thought maybe that was enough. To just sit still for awhile and be quiet and wait. But it's felt like torture. I am lonely and it's not just of people and friendships - it is of that deeper intimacy with you. Which...only comes from asking. Believing you are there and strong enough to enter into my gloomy thoughts - that is what I hear in these Psalms I am praying. That is what I am missing.

So - I believe I will wake tomorrow morning with something to say to You. I will break the tormenting silence I have put myself in and speak to You. Tell You what I think and how I am feeling, be passionate once again about the affairs of my life and what you have to say to them. For relationship is the only vehicle for love. And I know how You desire relationship. How easy it was for me to leave it for a bit.

I am coming. I picture You ready for my storm with a smile on your face.

Praying the Psalms

2010-03-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

I started praying through the Psalms tonight. I've heard people say that before - that they prayed through the Psalms. I don't know what it means, I suppose I never asked. Sometimes the beautiful holiness of others seeking to hear Him and talk to Him more deeply clangs off the wall to me. How sad.

I'm missing my bible something fierce tonight as it's still stored away in a box somewhere out in the garage, so I checked online to see what I could see. Sure enough - the whole bible was waiting for me there. But you kind of have to type something in online to read it - not at all like the comfort of holding the worn leather in your lap and letting the pages fall where they may or finding the most well-used places with highlights and notes that you cling to. I entered "Psalms". That is safe, that is home, the middle of the bible sorta speak. Unfortunately there really are too many Psalms to know where to begin if you are going to type something in....so I thought I would just begin. You know, from Psalm 1. Just read it straight through.

For me praying through the Psalms is starting very small - requiring only that I read each one and write down the verse/section that stuck out the most...the part that hits my heart in some sort of resonance. I have made it through just 8 tonight. And here are my prayers. Lifted up by so so many over the years, whispered and yelled and repeated through the lips of followers long ago. It is comforting to find yourself praying among them. We aren't alone. We never have been.

Psalm 3:5
I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.

Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 5:3
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

Psalm 7:17
I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness
and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.

Psalm 8:3-5
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.

When you are afraid of silence

2010-03-05T21:15:00.000-07:00

Community is the normal hum of our experiences. We gather, we share, we listen, we learn, we serve. We are part of a Body. But maybe it is long silent beats, the God encounters, that gives us something of worth to say in the normative community circles.

So like a modern-day Moses, leaving the din of the masses to sit alone in the winds of a mountain top, we make regular times and places to hush all the inner and outer clamor and simply, bravely, wait for God’s voice. And then perhaps our reentry into community will too be with fresh words and “new tablets… [our faces] bright with the old truth.”

The words we speak must find their genesis from the silent places.

- From the Holy Experience blog I dig

From the silent places. I love this. I've SO much anticipation of starting the church we came to begin here, and to be part of all that God is going to do. And yet - the reality hits me that I've no where better to be right now than in the silent places.

Loneliness is scary, not giving to anyone is awkward and foreign for me. I'm finding solace that He may be doing something in me first before the beauty of the church begins. Could this be so? Am I really so prideful to think I have something great to offer the church and that there is nothing offered me? What is the church if I cannot be served by the King?

Here in the snow fallen silence of Salt Lake City on this early March evening, I repent. My inner and outer clamor is getting hushed. This hurts me some. This silent time makes me wonder if I do have anything to give. Did God make a mistake asking us to come here? Did I hear Him wrong? Because I am getting hushed so severely and am so miserable in newness of house, city and people that it's crushing me.

I feel crushed and my spirit is weak. I'm scared I have nothing to offer this new church even as my heart beats so strong in anticipation of her beginning. I've no strokes or accolades or affirmations right now to remind me that I have gifting in anything. Only Christ is here and He shows up daily in the faces of my boy and my man. I never thought I'd dislike being alone with Him so much. It takes courage to sit in the silence with God. It takes patience and authenticity to sit in the silence with your family. I am trying to be brave and wait. To encounter God's voice.

He does speak. He is safe enough to sit with. He is the wellspring of life if I'll let Him in. I have not been forgotten. We are moving forward. God is calling people to Himself everyday we are here - the stories are just pretty quiet from me as of yet. And I will be OK with that. I can wait. For He has something just for me right now that I can't miss.

But may it be that upon my reentry into community, on that glorious day that our church here begins, indeed be fresh with words and bright with old truth. For I am sitting with Him in the silence for a good long while.

Coming forth as gold...

2010-03-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

“But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside.”- Job 23:10-11

This verse haunts and holds me today and also makes the corners of my smile line curl up just slightly acknowledging the knowingness of God. I love that He knows things. All my things, all my story lived and yet to live.

This first line evokes in me feelings of encouragement and even exhortation to rise up and let the testing I feel within me turn to gold. He knows the ways I take. He is testing me but says I will come forth. Speak to me oh words of heaven.

But then the second line. Have...HAVE my feet followed closely in His steps and kept to His way w/o turning aside? This is where I am living now - to stay close or to turn far. It's hard when you are new and lonely and can't see a clear picture ahead to stay close. For me it's easier to turn far.

This picture was taken the other day when a local here had the heart to take Braden and I out to see some outdoor beauty in Salt Lake. Millcreek canyon it turns out is incredibly beautiful and it even has green evergreens (contrary to my continual complaint to many of you that Salt Lake had no green trees anywhere). Big beautiful ones. And there are mountains here! Have I mentioned this before? I will speak of this often for I am not used to them. They reign here. You cannot escape them nor do you want to. They are the comfort and majesty of the city. Everyone looks to them.

So am I looking. And am staying close.

I want to go home. Back to Portland and all the things that I know and love. But I am staying closer to the mountains, following Him down another road I don't know how ends or where it turns. For here is where my road leads to gold perhaps.

Live everything

2010-02-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves.
Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be
given you because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is to live everything.
Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then
gradually, without noticing it, live along some
distant day into the answers.

-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letter to a Young Poet

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -Mary Oliver

We are here - He is here

2010-02-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

We are one week and a day into our adventure in Salt Lake City. It's been hard in many ways but I have to pause tonight and acknowledge how in just one week we are all doing incredibly well. A lot has happened this week. I've gone from just about as low as I get (and being very sick) to actually enjoying this city and the adventure of figuring it out, meeting people and making home here.

Am dwelling on lent in my heart. I'm missing this season in our church back home and trying to engage in it here in the quiet. I am noticing how this time I'm in now is important to this pause and contemplation of lent. I have a choice to embrace it and let it in, or to let it slip by. All the pain of leaving a life well loved, and the loneliness that comes with living in a city where you aren't known and church has yet to be formed. Is reminding me of Christ's suffering in a deeper way than I've yet experienced.

I am pathetic. I am becoming more aware of this lately. I whine like a mule and am selfish and want heaven now - here on earth. And will do most anything to create it. It's sickening when you really take a step back and look at yourself. Christ gave all and I take so much of it for granted and want more.

There isn't anymore than Him. Being stripped of all my comforts and being told no too many times is bringing me to a place of deep dependence on Him. I've noticed the majestic mountains in the morning on the way to school. I see them. And am forced to realize just how big He is and how surrounded I am. One woman I met this week told me that when she sees the mountains here surrounding her she knows God is here and protecting her.

And so I am attempting to give myself to this process of being stripped and torn away from everything that detracts me from Him alone. That is my lent. To embrace this loneliness and quiet and just wait. He is here. He loves me. I just have no idea how much.

I kneel down by my symbolic journey.

I finger the wood of the cross. I trace the back bowed. Jesus will have to do everything. He will have to accomplish it all. I am ashes and I am dust and there is no good in me and I am in dire need and lent has given me clear eyes to see my sin and I am the one broken under all this skin.

I can feel the grain of the tree under my fingertips.

He is the one going to Calvary.

I love Him so much... because His love is the only thing that can save me. This wrestle has made me know it full well. And this failing lent? It is a good Lent because it is preparing me for Easter Joy with the Lent Lament.

I am one of the disciples grieving – a life grieving His absence, a life grieving the black before the light, a life grieving death that will hungrily seize resurrection. Lent gives me this gift: the deeper I know the pit of my sin, the deeper I’ll drink from the draughts of joy.

Grief is what cultivates the soil for the seeds of joy.

She who knows her sins much, loves much, and the road to heaven is paved with the realization that I deserve hell. His rising will be all my joy, because I know it my bowels: He is all my hope.

The candle wavers. I know that frailty.

I sit in a dark lent.

And I feel the flame of Grace on my face.

- Holy Experience

Worry & Trust

2010-02-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my husband can verbalize things when I cannot. Today is such a day.

We signed our house away today and it was quiet and somber on the drive home. A feeling of great loss in many ways. I've been packing for a week now, saying goodbye to so much here in our home as the pictures are removed from the walls, the decorations and comforts all put in boxes. I've also been hooking up with people to remember and exchange I love yous and saying goodbye's. It's just all hard and sad to leave a place and people you love and have grown up with for a decade. I'm hurting.

Today I stumbled upon my husband's little video he made here. It stikes me something hard because I know how he is feeling right now - and he's not hurting much less than I. Yet he has been able to capture here the truth of what has been going on the last few months with us in a way I cannot right now. Sometimes in the leaving we forget where we are going.

Indeed we ARE worrying less. And looking forward more. God has been trustworthy. Looking so much to the days ahead when we meet and get to love the people of Salt Lake. That will make it all worth it.

Seven Thoughts on Suffering

2010-02-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

This is a great article Geoff Ashley, Discipleship Resource Pastor at The Village wrote a blog on. Suffering seems to be the theme in my life for awhile now - though certainly not all the time. There has been much good too. Nevertheless, I have been contemplating suffering a lot lately and craving some definition to it, truth that frames the experience of it.

A tweet that Matt Chandler did when he first found out he had brain cancer was something like, "Why NOT me? Why not you?". And so...let the works of God be displayed. There's really nothing one can do to make that happen - only to suffer well. Which I'm still, after all these years, learning to do - and probably forever will, until that glorious day foretold in Revelation.

Anyway, this is a great read (link above):

As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

John 9:1-3

Man has historically been desperate to determine the why behind suffering. We want to analyze and categorize events into nice and neat designations of precise cause and effect. “This is happening because of _____” or “so that _______.” Perhaps we think that we can manipulate and control our future lives, protecting ourselves from certain undesired effects by avoiding particular causes.

This was the thinking behind the question of John 9. A man is blind (effect). It was naturally assumed that personal sin must have been the cause. But whose was it? His own? His parents? Grandparents? Kids?

Obviously someone did something wrong. Bad things don’t happen to “good” people.

Notice Christ’s response. The man was born blind so that God would be glorified. Can you feel the weight of that? Here was a man who had suffered for decades in order that at this particular moment Christ might display His mercy and magnify His grace.

Anyone familiar with the Old Testament should recognize this refrain. It is very similar to the problem that is dealt with in the book of Job. The Sabeans steal the oxen and the donkeys and strike down the servants. Fire falls from heaven and burns the sheep and the servants. Chaldeans raid, take the camels, and destroy the servants. Wind blows across the wilderness and topples the wall of the house in which his seven sons and three daughters were feasting. Loathsome sores break out on his body, his friends reject him, the young mock him, and his wife implores him to curse God. Surely Job was suffered.

His friends are convinced that they have insight into the situation. Certainly, they say, Job had sinned against God. Surely he was suffering the effects of his own transgression. His friends implored him to admit his sin, to repent, and be restored.

How does God deal with the answer regarding Job’s suffering? If you are not sure, I highly encourage you to go read Job 38-42. Rather than saying, “you see Job, this is exactly what I was doing in this,” God speaks of His sovereignty and power and wisdom and creativity. That does not exactly fit into our clean cause and effect categories. After reading the book we cannot point to a particular sin of Job and we cannot merely blame it on Satan. It is not that simple.

We will all suffer. This is the deserved lot of humanity in this age. We would thus do well to develop a theology of suffering before the dark night comes. You do not wait until you are choking to learn the Heimlich and neither should you wait until you are in the throes of tragedy before learning the reason behind, and the response to, suffering. I have included seven of my own thoughts that I find helpful as well as links to a few highly recommended resources.

Seven Thoughts on Suffering:

God is entirely sovereign over absolutely all suffering. He works “all things” according to the counsel of His will (Ephesians 1:11). Even if Satan’s hand is behind your suffering (as it was in Job’s case), God’s hand is still involved (notice that God recommends Job and places boundaries on Satan’s ability to inflict harm). It is not either/or. See Does God Ordain Evil? by Matt Chandler for more on God’s sovereignty over and use of evil to accomplish His good and holy desires.
All things exist for the glory of God and thus in some way God is glorified even in our suffering. Reread John 9 or the account of Lazarus in John 11 where Jesus intentionally delays His arrival so that Lazarus would die. Notice that the text says that this was motivated by His love and desire for His beloved to see God’s glory. It is better to suffer and see the glory of God than to continue in ignorant bliss.
All suffering is a result of sin’s origin with Adam’s first transgression. His sin has fractured all creation, but it will be restored one day (Romans 8:18-25). Therefore we can confidently say that tragedies are a result of sin, but as in John 9, we cannot look at the individuals afflicted and necessarily conclude that it was their direct sin, which precipitated the disaster (see Luke 13:1-5).
Suffering will work to conform us to the image of Christ (Romans 8:28-29). J.I. Packer—“Still He seeks the fellowship of His people and sends them both sorrows and joys to detach their love from other things and attach it to Himself.”
The proper response to suffering is faith and even joy. Rather than anxiousness, we should be growing in trust (I believe this will be the message this weekend at The Village). Rather than despair, we should be growing in joy (Romans 5:3-5). Trust that this is God’s good hand upon us and that He is a generous Father. All of His works toward His children are good. See this excellent and yet challenging article on Piper’s thoughts after he was diagnosed with cancer on how to not waste it.
All suffering is covered by the suffering of Christ. He was called one who was acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3) and He is able to help and sympathize with us in our suffering because of His own (Hebrews 2:5-18).
Soon and very soon there is coming a day free from suffering for those who have trusted and rejoiced in Christ. Believe this…hope in it…rest in it.

Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Recommended Resource:

Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

Though he slay me, I will hope in him…

Job 13:15

Christ

2010-02-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

Christ be with me,
Christ within me,
Christ behind me,
Christ before me,
Christ beside me,
Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ in quiet,
Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

(from “I bind unto myself the name”)

Braden's diabetes & beyond

2010-01-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to feel so scared, and hurt, like you're living a nightmare and far away from any semblance of normal one weekend in January - only to find yourself still breathing and in tact the next? Apparently it is. Everything seems so fast lately.

This past week was tough. Harder than anything I've come through yet. My son was diagnosed with Diabetes last Saturday morning and we were admitted into Emmanuel hospital shortly after. We were there for 3 days enduring the myriad of shots, pricks and hours/days of training for his new diet and all about diabetes. This included nightly 2am injections and half a night of a severe headache that took some big meds to get under control. Many family members said they feared worse, but for me, diabetes was the worst thing I could imagine (thank God I don't have a vivid imagination these days because I know there is much worse). My beautiful healthy boy, forever plagued with this disease that will force him to take shots and do blood sugar pricks, at our hand. It started that dreaded day and will continue his whole life until a cure is found. I cried the moment the doctor told me it was happening and for days afterward. I slept in his hospital bed with him, watched my husband learn to give him shots and made myself do it too and cried together with friends and family as we all realized the changes that we'll be making - right now.

And suddenly we were home. Feeling under trained as "nurses" and trying to figure out how to stock the fridge and feed him let alone hold him down for another round of shots. Friends greeted us at the door, neighbors cried with us, and Braden...played. He's played happily and been so himself since we arrived home. We had a bumpy night with another headache and difficult shots where he pleaded for us to stop hurting him. But after that he's just...bounced.

He gives himself his own finger pricks 4 times a day now, leaving the 2am one for mom or dad while he dozes. He even pushes down the plunger on the syringe during insulin shots. I don't get it. He's all but quit crying (still some but nothing like the hospital or when we first came home) when it's time for shots. And though the food battles are still going, they are surprisingly easier than I thought they'd be. He is healthy. He is happy. He's going to be fine. I look at him and though the agony of it all at the hospital and reality of all the changes as we arrived home have been heart wrenching on each of us - he is still himself. Still beautiful, still healthy. He just has to have shots and has to be careful how much carbs he has, yet also make sure he has enough. It's different. It's not the way it's supposed to be - but it is still a full life.

Mommy - has had a harder time bouncing. And I'm deeply convicted by this. It's been helpful to see that I am allowed some grieving time. Even allowed to not know how to relate to God in all the trauma of it all. But now - now that a week has passed and we are going to be OK and my boy is every bit as beautiful as he was before this diagnosis - I have to come into Him. I have to bounce.

These verses I am pondering and praying over. I will not pretend to be an example of embodying them yet. But I know they hold power. Hold truth.

James 1:2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Indeed my faith is being tested. Indeed I am having to persevere. Now to consider it joy...

Romans 8:17-19Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed

Our present sufferings are not worth comparing with glory that will be revealed. WOW. My son's diabetes and all that it rocked in me are not WORTH COMPARING. And somehow I know that this is true. It is the only thing that brings me any joy in fact. Knowing, believing that there is something MUCH bigger to come in the glory of God. I can endure these things life brings. Even horrible things that I have to witness and walk through with my child. I will endure because there is no other option. I tried out depression this week and it doesn't work for me. I've thought about leaving Him and living a skeptics life with bitterness towards God. I can't live there. My son is healthy, my son is happy. Indeed it could be much worse.

Indeed it may BE worse in the months and years to come. How am I to know what is to come? Am I to fear it? What is this life of faith and joy when your only son stands victim to disease and gets forced to do things that hurt him? Can I not relate to God in this? Yeah - yeah I can. And Him more to me.

And so the truth of Him who knows all and is all supersedes my circumstance yet again. He still reigns. And I cannot help but praise Him even now. Especially now.

Psalm 63

2010-01-15T23:30:00.001-07:00

^{There are times in life when you just have to cling. This is such a time in my life.

My son is ill. And there is nothing that I can do about it. We are crying and praying. But ultimately we will go and hold him down while they draw his blood 2 different times tomorrow and wonder and wait for the results. If the results are as bleak as they are predicting we will admit him into the hospital in the afternoon and learn all we need to learn about this disease. I am asking for God to stop this in it's tracks and heal him - now.

I do not know if He will do it. And my faith requires that I love Him and worship Him regardless. This is suffering. It's what we endure here on earth and God says we learn much and draw closer to Him in it even as He is closer to us than breathing. But I don't want it. I fear it. I want my son to be a normal healthy kid like every other parent in the world.

And so I am leaning. Heavily and deeply upon the Lord my God, and into my husband's arms.

Somehow - though I understand it not at all - There is a glimmer as I read this Psalm that I am grateful. For when I read it now in this particular place that I am in, it soaks in better. I hear it deeper and stronger than I have yet before. Nothing like waiting, hurting, worrying and being completely out of control to bring you to a place of understanding a little more "my soul thirsts for you".}

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
They who seek my life will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.
But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God's name will praise him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

Carry Me

2010-01-07T17:31:00.001-07:00

Find more music like this on Remembering Katie

This is the song that our friend Josh Butler, pastor of global relations at Imago Dei, wrote and performed at Katie Nolan's memorial service a couple weeks ago. He wrote it as a prayer originally. When we all found out that they were up there he and his wife started praying. The day that we knew the searchers were looking hard and they found Luke's body...Josh wrote this. Praying a visual prayer that God would go up and sling Katie over His shoulders and carry her down. Carry her home. As the news gradually came in that there was no way they could search more and the reality set in that they were gone, Josh thought he'd set the song aside. But as the families found out about it and he shared it, it became clear that it was a prayer and song fitting for her life. So he played it there at the service. And it's been in my head and heart ever since.

It didn't occur to me until today that it's a song for more than Katie. It's truth for us all this winter and for me today.

This week has been a difficult week. As exciting as January is and all that it means for us in moving forward with our relocation to Salt Lake City it has been very stressful. The unknowns about where we are to live are overwhelming and our house not selling leaves us feeling stuck and frustrated. I've made so many phone calls to doctors trying to get referrals and medical records sent out to Salt Lake, getting quotes from moving companies we can't afford, and every day being in my home here that I love wondering how to pack it up and leave it. I feel weak. I've been cold. I don't know where we are going to and am having trouble picturing our life there. I'm missing everyone and everything here.

It's just one of those weeks. Where you realize that His love is the only thing that sustains you in the chill of the storm. That His back is strong even as we are weak. He's strong enough to carry us. To carry us until we get home. I will have a home again there, though I can't picture it yet and don't know where it will be. He's strong enough to carry me until we get there.

Thank you Josh for listening to our Lord and sharing what He puts on your heart and in your fingers. May I believe what the Spirit speaks.

More Salt Lake

2009-12-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

Here's our buddies we're about to start a church with! Kyle and Joy Costello. They're great in every way and we are looking forward to being on this adventure with them. How kind of God to send us out with people we love.

And below is the video interview Rick did with us all so you can hear more of the story of how this Salt Lake thing came about. Kevin starts at about 20 minutes in, and Kevin & I at about 24 minutes in. The whole first bit with Kyle is great too though to really hear more of the vision of the plant & their story of how God asked them to do this. Kyle will be the lead pastor of our new church.

My favorite line is at the very end after Kevin and I share. Rick says:

"When you get to stand in the middle of faith it's that danger, crisis and opportunity kind of moment - and that's when God really shows up."

Utah Church Plant from Imago Dei on Vimeo.

Silent Night

2009-12-18T01:25:00.000-07:00

Sixpence None the Richer has an album called Dawn of Grace, it's a Christmas album. On it is a version of Silent Night and I'm in love with it. It features Dan Haseltine from Jars of Clay on it and the duo causes a melting affect in my heart musically. I'm a big fan of duets. This one I think explains why.

This week has been melancholy for a few reasons, one of the biggest being the climbers up on Mt. Hood that are missing. Yesterday they called off the search as it's just been too long and there is no way they can get up there now with the weather. Katie Nolan was part of our church Imago Dei and her brother and his family are friends of ours. The two other climbers were known by people in our community as well. Last Sunday as we were singing Silent Night I knew they were searching for them on the mountain. I just kept thinking of Katie cold in the snow up there and us singing down here. It felt as if maybe she could here us, feel our prayers, or maybe she was looking down on us from heaven.

Tonight I've listened to this song over and over to hear what the background lyrics are. And now I know why they are so powerful for this place in time here now. Peace to you sweet Katie as you dance with our Lord and Savior. Peace to us all as we realize we are not singing alone and the sky is full of light.

Here are the lyrics that are said behind the regular Silent Night melody. You can view a video of it below too.

I can see you in the snow
And I can tell that you've been crying
There's nothing in these lights that glow
That tells you that this world's not dying
But underneath these blankets white
Clothes a warmer kind of light
You won't have to sing alone

Christ the Savior is born
Christ the Savior is born

I can see you in the snow
Crystal tears have started drying
Something in these lights that glow
A Savior in a manger lying
Up above these blankets light
Are angels filling up the sky
Star is burning in the night

Jesus Lord at thy birth - Hallelu...
Christ is Born, Hallelujah...................

The Rogers next adventure

2009-12-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

Recently I prayed for adventure.

Kevin told me this was a dangerous prayer to pray but I shooed him off in a sort of dismissal because my adventure was always going to be here. Here in Portland in mean. Here in our home we have built, fixed up, raised our son in, added plants in the yard each summer and tended to the staining of the fence that took Kevin 9 days to build. Here where our next door neighbors have a son who is Braden's best little buddy that we took camping with us this summer and whom he loves. And our neighbors across the street whose daughter is his age that her mom and I were going to put them in Kindergarten together. Here where my family is - all of them. Parents, grandparents and only sister including her husband and my 4 wonderful nieces and nephews. Who are Braden's cousin's - Nate being just 11 days older than him - they have grown up together. Here...where Braden's birth families are whom we love like family and can't imagine them not close. Here where our community of faith is - Imago Dei Community. The people and friends that we have loved, served and received so much from over the years, truly our Christian family that has grown us up in many ways over the years.

Here. 9 years of being here. I was just praying for a little adventure.

The honest truth is that its been coming for awhile. Change. I've been fighting it for an awfully long time. I've been frustrated with people leaving. It's happened for years now, people's lives or hearts changing and they leave. Have to leave, want to leave, you name it...but people leave. People I've worked closely in ministry with, close friends, people in our community that we love, people I've walked with through stuff or they with me. To the point where I thought "Oh why doesn't everyone just stay put, have babies and we'll pastor them to the grave!" Their grave or my grave first I didn't know - I just knew I wanted to stay here forever and do life with these people for as long as possible. I've been clinging for awhile now - it took me awhile to figure that out.

The biggest thing that helped me figure this out was that our friends, Kyle and Joy Costello, were surprisingly (to their surprise as well) called to plant a church in Salt Lake City of all places. This I found annoying. Kyle and Kevin had become quite close and I hated to see another friend of his leave. And I really liked Joy and was hoping for our paths to cross more this next year. But alas - they were going to plant a church. Good for them, I thought. More power to you, I don't understand why you would go there and leave here but if that's what you want to do, then peace be with you. "Peace out" was probably more along my lines of thinking. It never occurred to me that God might have actually called them there and that they had really wrestled with this decision and would way rather stay in Portland if it was all the same to God. Their story is quite powerful and another reason this whole thing is full of God's power and vision.

Our executive pastor (Luke) announced their leaving at some staff and pastor meetings and said a few times "Kyle has the full green light to invite anyone he can to go with him, all the way up to pastors and elders. We're hoping he'll make us bleed, we want this to be a strong plant". It was game on and pushing me right to my core of frustration. Now everyone was going to think they are supposed to go to Salt Lake and things are going to get messy and people are going to leave - that was my thinking. I started having bad dreams at night and would wake up in the morning with only the thought, "Please God don't let Kyle ask Kevin." Shortly thereafter a friend of mine told me she and her husband were already considering going with them to Salt Lake - I didn't respond well. I tried to convince her out of it in fact and told her "church planting is like remodeling, you do it once and get it out of your system!" Nice, I know.

So I came home and told Kevin about all my clingy feelings, anger at leavers, frustration with the Salt Lake plant and my dreams. He got quite a kick out it and when I told him about my comparing church planting to remodeling he completely disagreed with me much to my surprise. Then he told me that he'd love to do it (church plant) again which shocked me. But I couldn't help but smile. I did, I smiled. And that rush of adventure surged through my veins and I felt excited and invigorated. So, we talked about planting again. About our dreams of planting with friends. About our giftings and how coming alongside and supporting is what we're made to do. And about how my passions and need to create could really be unleashed in such a venture. By the time we ended the conversation we agreed that Salt Lake was certainly not our next move (due to above reasons). Phew! But the conversation of adventure was on and we both knew it. We agreed to start praying and paying attention.

Soon after that we took a trip up to Vancouver, B.C. by ourselves to see the U2 show. We had 8 hours up and back in the car to talk together and boy did we ever! There is much to tell about that getaway but the short of it is that we had time to really discuss what Kevin is made to do and where he is strongest. It was obvious he was considering Kyle and Salt Lake. But he said he needed time to process so I forgot about it for awhile and besides, he'd already said our next move was not going to be Salt Lake.

The Monday night after Halloween we caught up about our days activities and Kevin sat up in bed with a gleam in his eye (the same gleam I saw when we moved up here 9 years ago) and told me he wanted to plant a church with Kyle in Salt Lake. God had clearly been laying this on his heart and there was no deterring him now. I was absolutely shocked. Excited at first too - you know that feeling where you know everything is going to change and you get to go on an adventure? We love adventure. But he said he'd already talked to Kyle that day too. Whoa, this was serious. He said Kyle was totally blindsided and apparently thought we were pretty much untouchable as far as people to ask because we were so rooted here (I know, right?!). Kyle was of course... thrilled (darn those dreams)! And apparently has funding for another pastor and told Kevin he's who he wants. I was in shock. Was this happening? Are we leaving???? Right about the time Kevin fell asleep that night I started crying. I cried all night long and didn't sleep and cried for 2 days afterward. Leaving here was not what I had planned nor could I have prepared myself for the grief that I was to feel and will feel for all that we have here.

After that night things moved at rapid speed for 2 straight weeks. The confirmation and affirmations of key people in our lives including our executive pastor, our lead pastor, our elders and friends was overwhelming. To the point where our lead pastor (Rick) said something to the affect of "I foresaw this. I'd been thinking about who would be best to go with Kyle and I thought...Kevin and Karen. But I didn't say anything because I wanted to see what God would do". Everyone we talked to just about said they feel like they are sending strength to Salt Lake in us. How humbling. How surprising...we had no idea we'd leave Portland or that we would be the strength that God might send.

We met with Kyle and Joy and it was amazing to hear God's story in them and the heart of planting a church in Salt Lake City. It is the least churched city in America we are just coming to find out. And there are churches all across the country wanting to fund this plant they are so excited about what God might do there. The church planting organization we are going through is funding us for 4 years!! We are flying out for a church planters assessment they require us to do at the end of January. Imago Dei is going to partner with us too so it will be a plant from Imago Dei but funded by both Imago and the Orchards Group. So in a few short weeks we met with the elders (they affirmed and were really stoked and prayed for us), told the staff, told our families and close friends, put our house up for sale and hopped on a plane to go check out this city we are moving to. I think that's about the time I went numb. :)

At our staff meeting Luke said "the definition of courage is being very very afraid and going anyway". That is exactly how I've felt. Then Rick read about a time when Paul felt God was asking him to move to another city. And how scared he was to go and had never been there and didn't know anyone there. He cried and prayed with his friends - but he went. These things I held onto as we got the tickets to fly out to Salt Lake. I remember emailing some friends about being so scared to fly out there hoping God would be on the other end of the flight. My friend Mary responded with, "he's in seat 34B, you are in 34A". And my friend Heather simply responded with, "He'll be there." He was.

It's amazing when you get yourself completely worked up about something that it really loses its power once you face it. I was in a complete panic and mess when we got on that plane - but by the time we arrived at our hotel that night....everything was OK. I woke up and opened the curtains the next morning to get my first view of the city. It was...really different than Portland. Worse, yes. But also better in other ways. Mostly just different. I found myself hungry from that moment on to learn and see everything about the city so I could really feel it and experience what I was moving to. We did - we saw as much as we could in those short 2 days. Braden was exhausted from the all the driving around but he got to go to the children's museum and Liberty Park and the amazing (i mean freaking awesome!) library downtown. We checked out the downtown area, went to a snazzy outdoor mall downtown, headed up to Park City which is so close it's ridiculous, and checked out a local preschool downtown that Braden liked. We saw a bunch of neighborhoods and by the time we left had a very strong idea of where we wanted to live. I've been dreaming about the neighborhood streets I saw since we came home. They really are quite lovely, dreamy in fact. It's smaller there, but still has a city vibe. I have much to learn about it still. But here's what I know now:

I can move anywhere. When my husband and child are with me there really aren't too many places I can't live. Who knew!??
Other places besides Portland are beautiful too. It's true. I like mountains! I've always wondered what it would be like to live in snow. I think dry air is neat and am curious to try it out. A new city could be fun! I like new things and I like new people. Perhaps this city has beauty too.
People are what makes you feel at home and alive. We love people. Can't wait to hear stories of people coming to know who Christ is, healing from past bad church experiences, experiencing authentic community for the first time.
I never want to say no to God. I never want to snuff out that light in my husband's eyes. I never want to believe that God doesn't care for me. I never want to care more for my happiness here than for the people God wants to call to Himself there.
I am going. We are leaving all that we know here to start all over again there. I don't know what's on the other end of that drive out there. But I know God is there and that my family is with me.
What I don't know is how to leave all that I love here. My home, my friends, my family, my church. That is a day by day process and I don't expect it will come easy or have many answers in it. I actually don't know how I'm going to get through it. But somehow I will and we'll be visiting Portland often.

Here are some pics of this new city we are about to find ourselves in. You like? It's not bad huh?

And so...we are moving. Soon. February 15th. Our jobs at Imago Dei end at the end of January. Gives us 2 weeks to pack up and say goodbyes before we go. We currently have not been able to sell our house (Duh - who sells a house this time of year in this market? Us. Fantastic). Nor do we have a place to live lined up there yet. Any leads any of you have on either of these things be sure to let us know! We are expectant that a bunch of that will get worked out in January. Lots of encouragement from our pastors that we need to pick a date and go and trust God with the rest. Holy Moly - life of faith has some new meaning now.

We're all blogging about this adventure.

Check out Kevin's take on it all here.
Kyle's blog about all this is here
Joy's blog about all of it is here

We aren't the only ones going! Besides the Costello's, there are two other families with kids that are committed to moving from Portland to SLC in 2010, along with a few young adults (including our nephew, Levi!). There are others praying and considering. We just announced it in our church services today, so we would not be surprised if a few more people jumped on board.

We'd love to hear from YOU if this is a vision you would like to consider joining. We'll be having an informational and vision meeting this Wednesday, 12/16, at 7pm if you're interested (2830 NE Flanders).

More info I will post here as things progress and we have needs for prayer and updates. Email me at karenelainepdx@gmail.com if you want to talk more about this adventure.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you

2009-12-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, 'Give them up!'
and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth-
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."
Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
who have ears but are deaf.
All the nations gather together
and the peoples assemble.
Which of them foretold this
and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
so that others may hear and say, "It is true."
"You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.
I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.
I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God.
Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?"
- Isaiah 43

Tears

2009-11-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

There is something about crying that depletes the body. It's actually quite interesting as I can't think of any other physical thing I do that drains me more completely than crying. I don't know why that is and I can't explain it physiologically any better than this: I feel empty and exhausted afterward. Physically I mean. And...emotionally as well. Both body and soul are thoroughly drained.

I don't mean shedding a tear or two during worship kind of crying, a good TV show or even listening to someones story and "crying" with them. I mean the all out life falling apart feeling where you just go full on guttural and wail it out.

All the welling up, the shock, the coming face to face with the big fear, the prospect of letting go, of giving up that which is most dear and sacred - to the point where you can hardly breathe and get dizzy and are uncontrollably lost in emotion. This...is more than the body and heart can handle.

And so we bawl. Actually I sob - loud enough to wake the dog from a nap. I whine too, kind've a whimpering and pouting while the tears stream down my face. And I've noticed I yell too, mostly in a rhythmic telling God off sort of way. It feels like a spiritual wrestling that lasts for days and usually involves me saying "No" or "HELL no" or an all out pleading "pleeeeeeeeeaaaaseeeeee...don't let this get taken this away!!!!!!!!!" about 1500 times.

It's INTENSE at first, and even surprises you that it lasts for days afterward. With the grief's I've encountered so far in this life I've found I can cry almost 24/7 for about 2 straight days (day and night). For me, my eyes even swell half shut (which is a real treat to have to be seen in public when that happens). But the faucet of liquid coming down my face and the yelps coming out of my soul can indeed last for 2 full days.

And then....there's just the empty. Everything gets very quiet after the tears have mostly run their course. Depression makes its way in and out of things too. But it's the silence that I've been paying attention to this time round.

I love the silence in that it helps to soothe me. It feels like reprieve. Is everything going to be OK after all?

I hate the silence in that it offers no answers and feels like it is mocking me. Feelings of hopelessness come in and out.

But every time in the silence what I experience is acceptance. This is happening. It's going to happen and you are already in it. This is happening. You are going to go through it. You are going to walk through that door again, the unknown door that you never ever ever wanted to open. Accept this.

I'm having trouble remembering what happens after the silence and acceptance. I know joy comes at some point again but I cannot remember how long till she comes. I suppose it's different with each grief we face. I am not there yet this time round. I am numb and I am silent. I feel emptied out of emotion though the tears still come when another reminder is found. But the tears are just sporadic now. Now is the silent time. The time in which acceptance must come.

Acceptance is important. It's the only way to really let Him into it. He's a great crier and holder of your shaking body as you lean into in His arms. But to actually listen and allow Him to come and rest inside and accept what it is and where it is He is taking you to next - that... well that is the sacred, holy, and very scary place to walk. But I know it's full of Him. I know I'll walk through the door though I've been explicitly clear that I'd prefer not to, thank you. I will walk through it. And that is enough. It has to be enough for today.

For Hebrews says

"...He rewards those who earnestly seek him." ~Heb. 11:6

OK then. Seeking I will do. Reward please come.

Fall at home

2009-11-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

Everybody loves the pumpkin patch

2009-10-20T22:09:00.000-06:00

My first ever video I made in imovie. If you have never ever tried such a thing (using movie making software)...It's hard!! :) I have absolutely no idea how to fix the timing of pictures, how to turn up or down or fade the music, or to keep it from cutting short at the end. Maybe I'll try again someday. That said, enjoy a little snapshot into my day today. A preschool field trip to the pumpkin patch with my 4-year-old boy. It was wonderful.

Wonder abounds in kids. Wonder apparently still abounds in me. Puppies, bunnies, ponies, baby cows, baby chicks, young chickens, baby pigs, goats & llamas - we're all in! Hilarious really, we all just walk around smiling listening intently to the tour guide tell us about the animals and ask our questions. Fascinated to see them crush up apples with a 100 year old machine and taste that (oh my gosh heaven!) perfect taste of apple cider. To learn about different kinds of pumpkins and gourds, and really...just to be outside in the fall. Watching our kids at our feet and trying to keep up with them. Stopping now and again for a snuggle and another wonder moment as we learn something we didn't know before.

Sacred these moments are. Sacred!

Holiness

2009-10-17T23:55:00.001-06:00

I've started to follow a blog I've heard about for awhile now called A Holy Experience. Best I can tell it's a mother contemplating life raising her children but all in the context of what God is doing and what she is hearing/learning. If you clicked on the link here you've undoubtedly felt the experience of it. Excellent photography of her kids and nature mixed with tranquil music that surprises your blogging senses, awakening you to your soul and heart.

In her recent posts she talks about a book I hope to read soon and all the ways slowing down helps her not miss the beautiful and the holy. This talk of slowing down to listen reminds me of a book I'm finally finishing called "Seeing the Sacred" by Ken Gire. All this reading and thinking. So much going on in people's hearts and lives, and in mine.

I've found lately that I'm coming into a new way of being. Listening. Watching. Waiting. Quiet. Moments. Paying attention. Trying to tap into the Holy. I'm craving it.

He seems to be moving everywhere. In all the moments and colors of leaves. Holding my sons hand and a glance between my husband and I. In the sacredness of listening to someone, praying with another or crying. Just a quick hug in a doorway as I dropped something off yesterday and watching her son run around and the baby in her arms. Sharing breakfast this morning for my dear friend for her birthday I found myself thinking...this is Holy. Walking to the movies tonight with my family and friends, the wet leaves at our feet and warm air blanketing us. I can't explain it...I just FEEL it. Him. Beating in my chest and welling up within me. His voice. His kindness. Himself. Sometimes overwhelming and awing, and other times soft and peaceful.

Slow. Slower still. To the point where even amidst the tons of stories, emails, people I'm thinking of, phone calls, texts, hyper boy, my thoughts and tasks swirling around me and through me - I. am. still.

I wonder if that is what God's holiness is like. Untouchable in the chaos. Standing alone in beauty when everything is crazy and confusing all around. All the while He is shouting like thunder and whispering in a mist - "I am".

When a birth mother loves you

2009-10-15T20:20:00.000-06:00

You know your son's birth mother loves you when:

She comes over when you are sick and hugs your sicky body anyway
Brings dinner that same night and feeds your family so you don't have to
The dinner is something your bored out his mind son can make with her (make yourself pizzas!)
After she feeds your hyper boy & hungry husband, she makes you pizza with your favorite toppings
She then brings you seconds and clears your plate and gives your kid a bath while you lay on the couch
And you know she really loves you when she gets your son in jammies & reads him stories so he's mellow when you put him to bed...and still stays to spend time with you and watch Grey's.

I think I might have the best birth mother in the world.

Stepping behind our face

2009-09-30T15:18:00.000-06:00

From Seeing What Is Sacred, by Ken Gire

To better love God and other people is the goal of the reflective life. But before we can love them, we must see them. And we must see them not as we would like to see them or as they would like to be seen. We must see them as they are. Otherwise we don't love the person. We love the image we perceive the person to be. If we are to love people as they are, we must see them as they are. Which means seeing all that lies hidden within them.

There is a story of a rabbi sitting in his study, when his reading is interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Come in."
It was one of his students who was so grateful for his teacher he simply had to come and tell him.
"I just wanted you to know, Rabbi, how much I love you."
The rabbi put down his book and looked over his glasses.
"What hurts me?"
The student looked at him quizzically. "What?"
"What hurts me?" the rabbi asked again.
The boy stood there, speechless, finally shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know".
"How can you love me," the rabbi asked, "if you don't know what hurts me?"

What hurts you, and do the people who love you know it? If not, how can they truly love you? Or me? How can we love one another if we don't know what hurts us?

When somebody steps behind our face and finds us. And loves us, despite what they see there.

Perhaps that's when we will be free, perhaps that's how we can free and love someone else.

Some She time

2009-09-30T00:28:00.000-06:00

It's really very fascinating to me how many times in life you get surprised. I went on our church's women's getaway last weekend with one expectation in my head (mainly...to get away and be by myself with God awhile) and came out with something other. At first I was disappointed, actually I was disappointed most of the time. I really needed some alone time. I've been pretty busy lately and have some heavy things on my heart. Just needed to get away and be. That is not what happened. But what did happen was so huge that it stands to reason that what I expected and how I felt disappointed just didn't really matter all that much.

Dragging my suitcase down the rocky path that led to the little cabins, I wondered whom my cabin roomies would be. As I dragged my belongings up the stairs to our cabin a woman I'd never seen before was there. She was kindly making all 3 of the beds for us and getting settled herself. We introduced ourselves and quickly found that both of us were mothers of 4 year olds. So we chatted awhile and decided to go scope out the camp and hear each other's stories of how we got here. We wandered over to the first session gathering when it was time and were both expecting a lead in to some alone time with God. But to our surprise the first agenda item for the weekend was to connect with your cabin mates, deeply. We were told to take a goodie basket (full of food and Kleenex and notes of what to do) back to our cabin and....bond. :) Well we were asked to be vulnerable with each other and lay hands on one another and pray. I knew what that meant though...it meant we were gonna go. All the way, down into those deep places of pain that we haven't really even let our girlfriends all that into just mostly due to time and intentionality.

So we grabbed our basket and met our third roommate. She was a woman I'd met and had some interaction with her family before, so we were pleased to be rooming together. Though we didn't really know each other at all. We all gave each other a quick look like "are we gonna do this?" So there we were, the three of us, in this little cabin. We started eating the goodies and turned the heater up, and got to know each other some. And then we dove in.

The unexpected, surprising part of this weekend was not that we all shared our hearts. I figured there would be some heart sharing on a women's getaway. What I didn't expect is that perfect strangers would end up comforting one another and speaking truth to each other in such a profound way, so quickly. As I shared my hurts and situation with them they came around me in my deep pain and prayed over me. One woman I ended up spending the whole getaway with. We talked for hours on Saturday, just about skipped lunch even. She's the one that laid hands on me and prayed evil out of me. Prayed God would comfort me and give me wisdom and strength. She entered in to where I was in a significant way. She didn't have to do that. I didn't expect her to do that. But she sat alongside me with tears in her eyes and prayers on her lips - for me. Someone she didn't previously know at all. That's goodness.

She was then able to share what was really going on with her. And all the story that it took her to be where she is at. She is lonely. She is worried about her body. But she is grateful for what God has given her in her children and husband. It was hard for her to share it all as she misses her close friends that are far away now and has no one here. But we got to be there in it all with her now. We prayed big dreams for her, for hope, connectedness and God movement in her marriage. It was sacred ground in our little room.

We took a break, ate some more goodies, and went through another packet of Kleenex. We still had another woman's heart to go.

This other woman wasn't sure she wanted to share and gave us permission to go to bed. Which was slightly tempting as we could all feel it must be getting quite late. But we also felt wronged and shut out that she might not share with us at all. So we told her she had to. :) Well....if she could. If she wanted. We waited. She stared at everything but us, fidgeting and nervous. And then started. She said she felt unworthy of everything. To be here, to be with us, to be a Christian, to be a mom and a wife. But mostly just unworthy of God's forgiveness. She told us she'd never shared her sins with anyone, ever, in her whole life.

She quit talking for a bit. We all just sat there in stillness looking at each other, waiting, respecting the moment. She looking down and around trying to decide if she was going to do this. And just when we thought she was done and going to shut down she said, "I'm going to tell you". We listened and listened for how long I'll never know, to her whole life. All the pain, the wrongs done to her, the manipulative men in her life, the horrible things she was asked to do, the grief, the feelings, the loads upon load of confusion and rebellion and abuse. She told us repeatedly that she couldn't fathom how God could possibly forgive her.

When she was finished she wiped the tears from her eyes and looked directly at both of us. "So what do you think? Is there is any hope for me?" she said. The two of us just sobbed and rushed to hold her. And we all cried for a bit. And then had the opportunity to share with her how Christ already had forgiven her. That much of what she shared wasn't her fault, that she had been mistreated. That Christ covers all and sees her in a robe of white, as holy. We prayed and cried and breathed.

Life. New life was born that night. One woman able to receive Christ's grace and forgiveness for the first time maybe ever. The other admitting her loneliness and allowing us to fill it with our friendship, and Christ lavishing himself and his hope over her. And me, letting perfect strangers into my mess.

I didn't rest. We were up till 1am that night with puffy cry eyes and hurting hearts, breakfast was at 8am the next morning. There was much excellent teaching and activities to connect with our God that next day, but I yawned through a lot of it. God did meet me by the river that day for a bit and it was a deep and significant time.....of growth. Rest, relaxation, reflection and fun I did not partake of that weekend. But God showing up in 3 lives unexpectedly in a most profound way - did happen.

It's amazing what a little She time will do for a soul.

The Secret Life of Bees

2009-09-21T00:19:00.000-06:00

I watched this movie for the first time the other night. And loved it. The story was good and the characters likable, but that's not why I loved it. I loved it because of the women in it and everything they represented. I felt deep care, strength and identity coming from these women. These women knew who they were. And in that knowing they were unafraid or at least refusing to be paralyzed by the real fear that was there. They were free. Full of love and had an ever overflowing amount to give. The door always open, the bedrooms full. And a willingness and life rhythm of teaching one another and speaking in with wisdom. There wasn't much they hadn't seen, and yet everything was received as something that ought to be celebrated or given time to.

The persecution these women faced, the losses they experienced, the beatings and general disregard by many only fueled the real love that they possessed. Through the hardest of circumstances that undoubtedly each had faced at some point in their journey - they were not overcome. They had joy written all over their faces. Their arms open for whatever may come. Wisdom on their lips. Hugging, holding, singing, dancing, and laughing was all to behold around the kitchen, living room or porch. It was extended to anyone that was near and yet a deep bond of family was there between the sisters that had been together for years. Grief was real and present often, but they let the tears and howls of pain flow freely when it came. They did this together though and in the morning there was joy again and a reason to live, love and be thankful.

These are the women I wish I could be around. Unafraid to work hard and go through the seasons of life, but also unafraid to love. Music, joy and laughter surround. No matter what is upon us, behind us, or yet to be. These are the kind of woman I aspire to be like, ones with deep hope and song on their lips despite the disappointments that life throws.

Does it seem to you that most of us aren't like that? It does to me. So many are walking around wounded with no one around them. Too many given up hope that anything can be different or have resigned themselves to cynicism and critique of others or ourselves. No one can touch our pain or our weirdness for it's too deep, too awful, or too boring. And yet...I see these women, like the ones in this movie, and I know there must be more we have to overcome. I'm actually embarrassed for us that we have so much, are much less persecuted and have seen less grief than those that have gone before us. And yet we walk wounded and lost much of the time. Surely we can pay attention to stories like these women portray and be inspired to stand up today, walk another step, and to hear and receive that we are His beloved. And that nothing can take that away from us.

Beautiful movie. The Secret Life of Bees. I like that title. There within each of us lies a secret life...Something beneath that no man or unfortunate luck or ill will can take way from us. There is a life inside of us that no evil knows anything about. It is impossible to steal. And it is what makes us Holy, full of hope and stronger than anything that might try to break us. That makes me smile a victorious, strong woman, contently loved kind of smile.

Slowing down to see what is sacred

2009-09-13T22:06:00.000-06:00

I want to be like this:

Those who have abandoned themselves to God always lead mysterious lives and receive from him exceptional and miraculous gifts by means of the most ordinary, natural and chance experiences in which there appears to be nothing unusual. The simplest sermon, the most banal conversations, the least erudite books become a source of knowledge and wisdom to these souls by virtue of God's purpose. This is why they carefully pick up the crumbs which clever minds tread under foot, for to them everything is precious and a source of enrichment.

- Jean-Peirre De Caussade

A celebrated life

2009-09-07T01:30:00.000-06:00

We've gotten the privilege of watching a friend of ours go through her whole pregnancy this year. It is her first. It's been fun to watch her progress and hear her share her feelings and how it's changing her as a woman. This weekend she went into labor and birthed their long awaited baby girl! I've been looking forward to seeing the look on her face with her baby in her arms. I love that look. A new woman is born the same day her child is I think. And I love to see that face.

Today on the way to the communion table at church Kevin asked me if I'd heard about our friend's baby. I said only that she is healthy and they are happy. He then told me that he got a call from a friend who knows them well informing him that the baby has down syndrome.

Everything went still inside of me. Blank. The kind of moment when time just stops. The music that was playing slowed down like in a dream. I couldn't move, everything just stopped. And then just as quickly as the stillness commenced, so did the pain in my heart. Tears gushed down my face and I just stood there crying while my husband prayed. I had words with the Lord in my head: Oh my LORD!....their first baby, their dream little girl, their hopes of a natural labor to enhance a peaceful bringing into the world their perfect, normal, healthy long awaited child....crushed. I felt such deep remorse that this precious baby had to experience the sins of this world so soon. It's so unfair and so not how it's supposed to be. All their siblings and friends having children at the same time that they will compare her to, the challenges to come. All I could do was cry for my friends that must be so confused and hurting for their sweet baby girl.

After I recovered and heard that our friends were actually doing pretty well, Braden and I decided to go and visit them in the hospital. We met their new little girl. In the short time we were with her and her family I realized I may have witnessed the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I expected to walk into a room with a grieving family and a distraught Mom & Dad. And instead I was embraced and let into a sacred time of celebration and honor of life and person that will become. The grandparents were doting over their granddaughter and gave me the baby to hold as they told me all about her. The pregnant sister who is due in just a couple days was talking about her niece and about all her cousins she's gonna grow up with. My friend was glowing and strong and full of joy and pride over her daughter. And Dad was present to it all and enjoying time with his family. My friend shared the story of her birth with me and how it all came to be known what the diagnosis was. She went on to describe how God must have prepared her for this and that she is ready for the information to come and the life ahead. All she feels is gratefulness and even honor that God would trust her with such a task.

Then I got to watch her hold her daughter as she talked about her. I wept again. :) I told her "You are the most beautiful mother". She was. She is. She has all the glow of love and also the strength of advocacy for her daughter. I wish you could see her face.

It seems to me that it is people like these that change the world. I am picturing my friend in her church community in the months and years to come, and in the neighborhood and in the special needs circles....and all I see is light. I started the day feeling grief for a child that was experiencing the sins of the world too young. But am ending the day hearing the Lord remind me that it is the least of these that we are to serve and love and give everything away for. My friends have humbled me deeply and brought me very aware of my own selfishness. Where I may have doubted and been crushed, they have celebrated and doted the most appropriate love. They are proud of her already and she is but a day or two old. Their love brings me to my knees and causes me to praise.

Thank you God for bringing her to them. I know not one family suited better. Let me learn how to love like they love. And may this child of yours teach us all the more. Welcome sweetie pie.

Moments

2009-09-03T00:20:00.001-06:00

I often see my life in moments. Little glimpses into a Kingdom yet to come or even just gratefulness to be alive right here and now. To be there for that particular moment is often a moment of worship to me. How can it be that I get to witness this glory, this pause in time? I love these moments:

My son is in preschool. I've waited for a child of my own for seemingly forever. The years have passed since his coming to us and now he is 4 years old and is doing self initiated projects. His grandma just gave him a new lunch box filled with school supplies last week and he is SO excited to go back to preschool this year. So he got out all his new supplies and all the art stuff we own and told me he was "doing my school work Mom". He worked at that table for about an hour. Every bit of glue and paint thoughtfully placed, and he made sure to use every school and art supply that he could see. This is nothing short of amazing to me and mostly just a thrill to watch him.

Today I went out to my parent's home in Wilsonville. They have 5 acres that include a view, some pastures, farm animals, an orchard, garden and berry bushes galore. My sister and I brought our kids out to play together and then while she took one of her older daughters shopping I picked berries with my Mom and we went to the task of jamming. We mashed berries, froze berries, cooked berries and jammed berries. We were a purple mess by the end but had the prettiest jars full to show for our work.

The whole time we talked about life, the things we are excited about and the things that are hard. She spent time teaching me every step of the jamming process, even the steps I already knew. I had my grandma (who was hanging with the grand kids) snap this shot. She doesn't like her hair in this pic (she had it pinned back for jamming) and she is wearing farm clothes (except for those cute shoes). But I love it. Looking at it I have to wonder...how many people get this moment? I'm 35 years old and on an end of summer's day am canning in the kitchen with my Mom, out at their farm with the kids playing in the background. I will always remember this day. One of the many I get with my Mom.

She told me today that when she goes to heaven she wants nothing more than to sing in the heavenly choir. I am looking forward to singing with her in that choir someday. But I am going to keep savoring the years of these kind of moments till that day comes.

And finally, here is our GG. My grandma came out today as well just to see us all and hang with the grand kids. She picked berries with us for 5 minutes and then said "I'm tired of this" and went inside to talk with her grand babies. She's 88 years old and does only what she wants now. :) Look at her face. And the faces of our babes with her. I don't know what to say. I just know it's a moment of glory frozen in time.

"Thank You" is the whisper on my lips.

Enthralled x2

2009-08-30T09:40:00.001-06:00

It seems my friend has also blogged about this particular verse. It is a fantastic post of depth, study and vulnerability. Enjoy!

http://munchkinartclass.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-body-enthralled.html

Enthralled

2009-08-29T23:44:00.000-06:00

"The King is enthralled with your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord."
Psalm 45:11

I absolutely love this verse. I've had it on a note on my desktop for the last few months and am consistently moved by it when I read it. I think it's going on my bathroom mirror next. Something heart piercing about God being enthralled with my beauty. Is there anything more humbling than that? The temptation to be disgusted and not so enthralled with oneself I find is immense and most of the time. So to put on that God perspective, you know, the kind where when you think of someone you know and love and attach this verse and go "Duh! They are so totally enthralling!" is...well, hard to do when you do it for yourself.

So I'm just going to keep reading these words of our King for a few months more in hopes that I will let it seep in and let Him name me as beauty, and that I will respond with honor as He is my Lord and my God. What does it mean to respond in honor? I'm going to ponder that next.

Spiritual direction

2009-08-23T23:46:00.001-06:00

Just finishing a fantastic book by Eugene Peterson. Working the Angles, The shape of pastoral integrity. Really loved it. So eye opening, helpful for clarity on things that get fuzzy in this work of what we think people expect of pastors, and also just honest. Real honest. Like the kind that just throws down and hits you where it counts and leaves you wondering if you are one of the people he's talking about that has no integrity. I love writers like that. They are really talking about themselves which let's them get away with working you over so deeply. It's humble writing, but full of conviction. And even some bold sassyness to all of us who abuse the things which God sets aside as holy.

Anyway the end was all about spiritual direction. And the strongest thing I take away tonight is something simple but plainly important. People are coming to us to hear from God. Our role as spiritual directors in one anothers lives (spiritual direction being not just pastoral work) is to point each other to God. NOT to be good advice givers. NOT to have the right answers or even the right experience that applies to the situation. Simply and ever so boldy - we are to point these friends to hearing and responding to God. What if they are trying to connect with God and we keep getting in the way with all the stuff we think we know? Blah!!! How pathetic and so not what we ever intended.

It can be in the way that we listen. In how we don't assume we know anything but instead realize we know very very little about this person and there will be things we never know about their heart or their past or what God has done to get them to here. Paying attention to the fact that God has already been at work in this person before our mouths ever open. Looking and expecting that He is present and is doing something even now. What is it?? Is really the only question we should be asking. What is it God is doing? Maybe we don't know and it's not our job to come up with the answer. Just to be present in the listening and pray fervently that God would come and speak. To RESPECT the person that has come to us in the sense that we look up to them rather than look down. How do we think of the people that come to us for help?

So, my attentiveness to listening continues. I have much to hear if I can only shut up for awhile. Praying, wondering, watching. Am looking forward to hearing God together with my friends and new people I get the privilege of meeting.

Being addressed

2009-08-18T00:04:00.000-06:00

You can't hear God speak to someone else, you can hear him only if you are being addressed. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

Love this. Am learning to listen more. What if prayer is a response to God speaking rather than me initiating the conversation? What if scripture isn't just me reading about someone else but hearing Him speak to me? Am listening, I think I'm being addressed if I pay attention.

Can your voice thunder like this?

2009-08-08T18:25:00.000-06:00

I love this post. It's by my friend Joy. Read it, and be zapped with a bit of rebuke and some encouragement on how big, how freaking BIG God is. Love, ~K

Can_your_voice_thunder_like_this

Camp post

2009-08-04T02:21:00.001-06:00

Posted a new post on Imago Dei Kids blog that I thought some of you would like. Thanks to the many of you who supported me during my freak out at camp!! I survived it and even more, was changed.

http://imagodeikids.blogspot.com/2009/08/camp.html

The proper grieving of a fallen world...

2009-07-15T01:41:00.000-06:00

Everyone seems to be asking me lately how I can have joy with all these new babies being born. Yes, it is the season again where a ridiculously high number of women in my world here are pregnant or giving birth. It's constant of course in my role as pastor of children & families. But Spring inevitably is the height of it all flowing into a summer full of baby showers and births.

Our friend Don Miller just wrote a poem on his blog to a new baby his friends just had. And his final line struck me deeply. The proper grieving of a fallen world, is joy. And this sums up for me my response to the question of how I can be joyful for new babies when I can't make one of my own. This is a fallen world. The things that have happened to me or women I know regarding infertility were not their fault or some cosmic plan of God's to torture their hearts. But rather this world is just a mess. And I for one refuse to spend this life grieving it! Not to bypass grief when grief is due. But just to say - that the response that is most appropriate is to have joy for that which is beautiful and not fallen. Or even more so to have joy knowing what is to come in the face of that which is lifeless.

Joy. A friend of mine's name is Joy and I think that is a wonderful name to be given. I want to be a person of Joy.

Marriage and Women

2009-07-08T16:30:00.000-06:00

I finally got the chance to listen to a sermon I've been wanting to listen to for a long time. It's preached from Mars Hill, Seattle by Pastor Mark Driscoll. Kevin had told me about the sermon Mark taught to men regarding roles in marriage and I've watched part of it recently at the pre-marital class we are doing with the Rhodes'. I've attached that link here too. The men sermon is significant to me because I recieved an email one morning from Kevin that was written at 1am the previous night. I didn't even know he was awake (he was asleep next to me last I knew)! The e-mail was repentant and told me the areas he felt he needed to care for me better in. This of course convicted me and I've since been drawn to ways I need to repent and change the way I respect and help him.

Since hearing the sermon to men I've been particularly curious about how Driscoll would address the wives' role in marriage. He has a tendancy to be poloarizing and I found myself like the cat he describes (in his sermon) when he started to speak. So I was more than grateful that he had his wife Grace come and answer questions that women had on the topic rather than address them all himself. They both do a very good job and I found it encouraging and biblical for every woman who is married or soon to be married to listen to. But also for single moms or single women who are figuring out what kind of man to look for. Give it a listen. We are called to be humble ladies. Not without strength and beauty, but in fact we are called specifically to godly strength, help and beauty

The way Mars Hill interprets the debatable issue of women in ministry is present in this, but if you can remember that women in ministry is a debatable issue you'll be fine.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-women

The one on men is here. It's a butt kicker and it's awesome. So incredible it is to be a woman when you realize you are married to man of God who is responsible and submits himself to Christ.

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-men

Introducing Scooba

2009-07-04T00:40:00.000-06:00

Don't you love it when your Mom gets you something you can really use. I mean, the gifts are nice, really nice when they come - but every now and again Mom just sends you something that changes your homemaker life.

This, is Scooba. My new favorite toy. Now friends, Scooba (I'll see if I can say this without getting too emotional) MOPS my floors! I know, I know. Take this is in for a moment. This little robot thing cruises around my house just mopping. Let me paint this clearer for you: I don't have to MOP anymore! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently it just so happens that Scooba doesn't fit under the bottom lip of my Mom's kitchen cabinets and gets stuck. Darn. :) He fits under mine! I'm in love. Now I just need to walk away and let him work so I can enjoy the extra time. Because at present I get a snack and sit down and watch him (you know, supervising making sure he does what I would do). I'm quickly getting over it.

As you can see from the link here most of us young with kids types don't have any business paying for such a thing. But Mom - she can. And she did. And out of the goodness of her heart (and her cabinet heights) she gave Scooba to me. I will pray a crazy Scooba story for you.

What we've been up to

2009-07-03T01:39:00.000-06:00

It's summer for the Rogers which means - it's nuts! Yeah, summer is NOT a slow down time for us. But we are trooping through and enjoying every moment of sun and fun that comes with it all. This weekend is rest weekend and we are so stoked - I think it might be our only one till vacation. This week so far has brought us:

- All day Saturday pre-marital class. First time we've done that. We prefer 1:1 over the course of a couple months for pre-marital. But Holy Moly a ton of couples are getting married this summer and there is no way in the world to fit them all in save meeting with a couple every night of the week. Pass on that. So...an all day class it was. We did it together with the Rhodes (Don and Lisbeth) which was a fantastic idea. Something about having a couple married 13 years and then another married for 30 years that makes things feel...well rounded. It was good. Couples seemed to be encouraged and learned a lot about the purpose of marriage (evaluations they turned in were good and some we talked to after). We'll do it again end of this month. Glad to finally get all our teachings consolidated and to hear it all together...was pretty powerful. God loves marriage and it's so fun to share the details of that with couples.

- Off to Prineville, Oregon Sunday afternoon to see our good friends the Hallman's installation service in the church that he has been asked to be the transitional pastor for. Missing them terribly already but so so good to be there with them. Will be fun to see what God does in that church and in them through this. First time for us in Prineville - it's way out there! I felt like I was driving into Radiator Springs (you know, from the movie Cars). Spent the night with some good friends Brad and Kindra in Bend that night and Kindra made us apple pancakes in the morning and I got to play with her baby a bit.

- Back home Monday night to fire pit and more premarital counseling (this couple couldn't make the class). Nice to be home. Love our little backyard with the tiki torches. Fun to hear the hearts of an engaged couple and offer our lives to them.

- Braden started swimming classes this week and that's been the funnest thing ever. I LOVE watching little tykes learn to swim. So cute and fascinating. He has goggles. I'm not out with the big camera like I was last year, but I totally take iphone pics of him still and I notice I have a perma grin the whole class watching him. The teacher has picked up on the fact that I am "that" parent.

- I started a Mary Kay business! Yep, I'm selling make-up. I've used the stuff for 5+ years and love it, I figure it's time I start getting my make-up for free since my whole family buys it anyway. Looking to continue to cut our expenses during this fun economic crunch time so this will help. But it's fun to have friends get their make-up from me too - i think everyone should have a healthy cute face don't you? www.marykay.com/karenelaine

- This Sunday is the launch of our Summer Electives for elementary kids. Aside from the 3 teachers (people from our congregation coming to teach a one time fun class) that never checked their email in the last 2 weeks to see that they are scheduled, and now backing out - I'm excited. Little note of wisdom: When you sign up to serve somewhere and give them your e-mail - CHECK your e-mail to see when they might like you to do that serving. ;) Otherwise, don't give them your e-mail! Ok, so the reason I'm excited is this: This is the most fun time of year for the kids as they do more creative learning and see all kinds of people's lives shaped by God. Hoping/praying the congregation continues to respond by offering one Sunday of something they are passionate about to the kids. Up this week: Music/Worship class, vegetable painting (tied into caring for our bodies), and a bus ride field trip to learn about how life with God is an adventure! Yeah, it's cool.

- Today visited my friend Neisha in the hospital. She is my assistant at Imago Dei Community and is 7 months pregnant. Her first pregnancy. Had a large cyst that doubled in size on her ovary during her pregnancy so they had to take it out. It was a pretty invasive surgery but baby is just fine. She has been in a ton of pain so we cried a bit together this morning and I got to hold her hand, stroke her hair, kiss her and tell her she's doing a great job. What is it about being at the bedside of your friend that is so emotional? Just one look in their eyes and you know they are in pain, possibly embarrassed that they are in a gown and have bad hair, and are a bit scared. It melts me. And I think the fact that she is pregnant with her first sweet baby is just the kicker. NOT the way one wants to go through a pregnancy. So...praying for her tonight as she had to stay over again. Her pain is subsiding some now..maybe home tomorrow.

- And lastly, tonight I participated (and am still participating) in Braden's first ever sleepover. His buddy Willem (the one's that just moved to Prineville) is in town and he is staying the night here. They were adorable and reading to 2 kids at night is harder, but possibly more fun. Braden prayed for Willem and when they shared about their "high's" for the day they both shared their high was seeing each other tonight. Sigh of bittersweetness. They talked and whispered and played for too long so after threatening to separate them and that failing (they voted to come to my bed) I finally laid down with them. They were out within 10 minutes. 11:30pm mind you! We'll see how late they sleep in and if they wake up in the middle of the night. They are both passed out in Braden's room now and it's quite wonderful.

Peace out everyone. May God be dwelling in you as you enjoy this holiday weekend.

Holy Feet

2009-06-20T13:55:00.001-06:00

This morning I helped host a table at the Women's Forum our church did. It was the last in a series of 4 or so that were done this year. Some topics in the past included: What is it to be a woman?, What is it to value your sexuality? (which was a huge hit and got everyone stirred up and talking), and What is it to have a woman's body? Today was What is it to be a woman in the church? It was good to sit with a mix of women I don't normally hang out with or whom I have never met and talk about where we fit in the church, and what the church really is (and isn't).

One woman, whom I'll call Violet, I got to spend quite a bit of time with. She is in her 50's and has some body issues and past experiences that are full of shame. She talked very quietly and kept her hand in front of her face most of the time. She is unsure of how to give of her gifts in the church, but wants to. When the time came to wash each other's feet we were asked to pray for one another as Christ to each other. Violet asked me to do this with her. She told me she could not kneel because of her health issues, and I wasn't sure at first whether she wanted to pray for me. I (foolishly) thought I might need to lead out the time with her, but instead, she led it out with me. She started praying for me and at first it was quiet and general but then she started praying more deeply than what I had asked her to pray for. This not only surprised me, but as I listened it seemed to me that Christ was praying over me. In the person of Violet He had come to me.

She then tenderly took my feet in her hands and started to wash them. It's really amazing what something as simple as washing one another's feel does to a relationship. I found myself getting all teary over this woman caring for me in this way. She took her time and washed each toe. This woman who seemed so unsure of herself and so much shame surrounding her story - gave generously to me. And as I looked around most of the other women were getting weepy as well. Something about being served that we feel unworthy of perhaps.

My feet feel holy now. They have been washed and touched tenderly by a woman who gave all she had to give to me - Christ. I pray I gave Christ to her as well as I had the privilege of washing her hands (she was uncomfortable with me washing her feet) and praying over her.

I think we should wash each others feet more often.

More art by Sandy

2009-06-19T00:44:00.001-06:00

My cousin Sandy is a photographer. See her blog for all her art. I've never seen anything like it. I love it. This is one of her latest pieces.

Make It Personal!

2009-06-18T17:22:00.000-06:00

I posted another bit on family (making it personal with kids) here.

Family Rhythm

2009-06-16T18:59:00.001-06:00

I posted a bit about some things I'm learning about family here: imagodeikids.blogspot.com

Thankful for a husband

2009-06-10T00:29:00.000-06:00

So here we are, Kevin and I, on a date night a few weeks ago. On top of the somethingorother tower at Portland City Grill having appetizers for dinner. The couple sitting across from us was also on a date night away from their kids and were kind enough to take a shot of us (via iphone camera) proving that yes, Kevin got me to eat sushi. For the first time ever. It was pretty yum.

Recently I was talking with a friend who is single and was contemplating whether or not she really wanted to find a guy to marry. She's pretty content in her single life and has influence over many people in the places God has placed her. Does she want to come underneath a husband? What does that even mean? She shared how she had sat at a table of respected friends who talked about how difficult their marriages are and that they still haven't figured it out. It left her discouraged, wondering if she even wanted a husband.

I've thought about this over and over the last couple of weeks and find that I'm just sad about it! Is that all we are portraying in our marriages to single friends? That it's a pain in the ass and we just struggle through it? Ha - well now I'm laughing because I guess much of this is true I suppose! Marriage is hard and none of us would claim to have it wired. We're just a couple of idiots trying to be Christ to one another. I think the friends at the table she was at were being honest and humble.

But more needs to be said don't you think? To all my single friends out there (and married for that matter), this is what I want to convey about being married to a man, to my man:

Marriage is the best thing I've ever done, been part of, decided to enter into, and continue to enjoy. Parenting next. But marriage best.
I do not want to imagine life without Kevin. He is my best friend, making him irreplaceable and the person in this world who knows me and understands me the deepest. When you find a man like that, you just want to be married to him forever and ever.
I am in awe of being loved to the point of being died for. My husband displays this in so much as he can and though he'll never be Jesus Christ, he displays much of who Jesus is to me. Consistently. Day in and day out. More often than I deserve. To the point of just weirdom sometimes - doesn't he know how NOT worth it I am? This makes me want to change.
Being married causes me to be so much more aware of my sin and how I want to take over - everything. This isn't an easy part of marriage. But it is a part that humbles me constantly and brings me to the feet of Christ. To a place of transformation.
I am home in the arms of my man. Wherever my love is I am home.
Sex. Enough said. Or is it? What a difficult to put into words experience that unites two people in a way I've never known. Is it OK to say I feel closest to God and worshipful after sex? Well, I do.
Kevin says it best and I believe he got it from Garry Thomas who is the author of one of our favorite marriage books, Sacred Marriage: "If you want to serve like Christ stay single, if you want be like Christ, get married." Well that pretty much sums it up. No right or wrong on this thing, but certainly a journey that has transformed me.

What else am I missing?? Praise be to God to give me my husband. I wouldn't be the woman I am without him.

Honoring my she body

2009-06-01T23:37:00.001-06:00

Here is an uber relaxed and not very attractive picture of my body. But I'm humiliating myself in this way because I think it works for a couple reasons. One, it looks like a body in peace...floating, getting tanned, being (which it very much was when the picture was taken by my husband who apparently thought this was a fantastic idea). Two, it is a surrendered body. Perhaps she has finally given up and has turned belly up to the world. Yes, I think she has.

I've been thinking a lot about our bodies lately. It seems to me that our bodies are flawed and not right in many ways. It is human and we are flesh and bones for crying out loud. There is sin that has corrupted much and we'll never know how that affects our bodies throughout generations long before we came and long after we are gone. There are some things within our bodies that aren't to be celebrated or to be looked upon as holy.

I am pretty much infertile, I've never found any beauty in that. It's a flaw. Another woman I know has an STD that her ex-husband (who abandoned her) gave her. She gets warts burned off when necessary and puts cream on. That's not beautiful, it's flawed. I know a few people that are very obese and I've never heard them tell me how beautiful they feel regarding their body. Obesity isn't beautiful, it's flawed. Another friend was in a car accident when young and had so many surgeries and a year of learning to walk again that her body still has scars. Others of us have thighs or bellies or you name it that drive us nuts on the outside. Or inner pain or fatigue that no one knows about that depresses us. There are many things about our bodies that are off, messed up and not very beautiful.

In the bible I've found the theme and feel conviction that we are to honor our bodies. Despite their flaws. As I deal with my own version of a messed up body I am convinced that I need to care for and honor her a tad more than I have. She is not a perfect vessel to carry me through this life but, she is the only one I will have. Can't trade this one in for a new one or look forward to an upgrade. She is what I've been given and I don't intend to spend my life hating her or being more limited by her than I have already allowed. But rather, I am trying to see her as what carries the Spirit within me around.

2 Corinthians 5 is a fantastic read. Particularly the part about new bodies! Looking forward to that day. Until then, gonna do a little caring and honoring of this dying one. She's doing the best she can and there is much much more inside her than the mere body lets on.

Rest her I shall. Sit in my garden and read. Play with my son and not worry about the things of the world. Eat well. Exercise much. Feel & talk. Pray and trust God no matter what my body is doing. Be grateful for the time and health I have now. Smile. Rest her I shall.

Homemade Ice Cream

2009-05-25T01:10:00.001-06:00

We made homemade ice cream tonight, the first of the season. We were watching some friends kids so they could go on a date. The kids were having a great time playing and we were proud of ourselves for pulling off dinner for 4 kids and that everyone was getting along. The ice cream was a hit and the kids thoroughly loved having seconds and also putting sprinkles and chocolate on it.

Somewhere during the making, Kevin snapped a picture of B and I while we waited for the evening's highlight to be done. You know those pictures that kind've surprise you when you see them? Like you thought it was gonna be a bad pic or just not noteworthy at all. But then, wham.....you see how happy you look and the bright eyes on your son and realize, today is a great day. It is. I'm grateful. So so grateful for my little family. It's amazing really - that one life, one little baby that keeps growing up - can make you a family. Today's just another one of those days I feel so lucky to be a Mommy.

Another quote to live by

2009-05-18T21:47:00.000-06:00

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” Henry Van Dyke

God is big, we are smaller now

2009-05-14T01:22:00.000-06:00

Tonight was the 2nd week of an all church prayer night we've held. 2 weeks ago our lead and founding pastor, Rick, announced in the sermon that Imago Dei Community was shutting down all activity, programs, meetings, etc for a month. To pray. Once a week, all together as one body. A reminder to us all that this is God's church, not our own, and that it's time we start loving each other.

So we've been praying. Last week 700 people showed up to pray! Kids were running around past bedtime in the family rooms as parents and community members swapped off caring for them so the other could go and pray. One wife described the night to me as "humbling".

Tonight we gathered again. Less people, less kids. Which seems so typical of prayer - what is it about prayer that loses people's interest? Like I should talk. Prayer is often hard for me. Praying in groups of people you don't interact with all that often - even harder. Until you do it. And then WHAM! I'm hooked. All in and can't wait till the next one.

So tonight my blogging friends - was wonderful being with a community of believers you love! Seeing Rick get emotional as he thanked God for saving him and for doing more than he ever dreamed or imagined with this church - was inspiring. So inspiring that the thanksgiving opened up. People stood and praised God for all kinds of things - not specific to their own situations so much - but praising God for our church, for each other, for what God is, has done and will do.

Then some people came and shared what God had placed on their hearts for us to be praying about. One shared about the desire of the heart - and how God is our ultimate desire. We all got in groups and prayed over that. Which led to more thanksgiving but also some repentance of how we just don't desire Him much sometimes. Another friend shared about giving of money and time. And if we have not much of either maybe it's time to reevaluate some things and trust God. She was so humble but passionate and inspired us all to pray about that. Again, prayers of repentance lifting up all over the room.

Toward the end I just started listening as the prayers of the people, our people, our friends, the church - rose into one voice. And it sure sounded sweet to me. I looked up at the old wooden rafters where people had prayed for years and years and decades or longer in the same building before us. I imagine it was sweetness to God's ears. We, this broken group of people here in Portland, prayed in unity and unison for a common purpose. To know God, to desire him, and to love His people.

I was in tears by the time we ended in worship and went and grabbed my son from the play area and brought him in to sing with us because I wanted him to experience it. Which, of course, he wasn't interested in as it was an hour and a half past his bed time. But he did for the first couple minutes immediately sense something. Kevin nudged me and I looked back and Braden's hands were raised and eyes were closed. We both looked a little surprised but then noticed that the room of people was doing the same, he was copying. Or maybe there was some semblance of Spirit flowing through him. I don't know. But in my heart was an overflowing thing happening. I was grinning and hugging everyone. The Spirit of God I believe - and you could see it over most all the faces. We are becoming one family again. I'm so glad to be part of this family. There is much more work/prayer to do. Many friends have not come to pray and are suffering in isolation critiquing the church. But tonight many changed and loved each other again, or perhaps for the first time.

God is so much bigger than us and it's truly an inspiring and humbling thing to see it in the physicality of a people learning to love each other and lay themselves down for the sake of something much bigger. I'll be there again next Wednesday.

Just a funny

2009-05-01T22:42:00.001-06:00

Kevin was reading to Braden tonight a new book we got from the library. It's a funny book. It's about a girl who wishes she could get away with things like her dog does. She eats like her dog, doesn't clean her room or use manners. Her dog gets pet and told he is good, but she gets asked to say please and to clean up and close her mouth while she's chewing.

The pictures are just funny - you know the kind with her face in the WHOLE pie her mom just made porking it down like a dog and cherry juice splashing around! Ha! Right? You'd think that would be funny to a 4-year-old. I picked it out especially for him with his boy-esque humor and love for dogs. We talked beforehand about how it was going to be a funny book.

But nope, my son gave only this look pictured here. Held the expression through the whole book in fact. He caught on that I had my iphone on him so it lost some of it's intensity - but I'm tellin' you his eyebrows were furrowed and he was concentrating hard on every detail of the book. Through the whole story! All the way till the END (it was a long book).

What in the world? I sat on the couch opposite him chuckling the whole time just listening to the story. I'd smirk here, hoot a bit there - ya know, trying to remind him it was FUNNY. But he never laughed. Not once. Apparently he has to know the story before he can appreciate the humor. Or maybe it was because Daddy never laughed either. Hmmm. We'll be reading this book a few more times regardless. :) And I will be laughing.

Thoughts on friendship

2009-05-01T02:45:00.000-06:00

This last month something that God has really been convicting me on is friendship. It seems to me that "community" is sometimes a word that is either overused or more likely misunderstood. Many times I've talked to people about their disappointment in a home community or a ministry. Their marriage tanks, the group splits up, you name it - something happens and they are crushed. The expressions I hear from so many is "it doesn't work", "we need a closed group", "no one really knows me". As if community or ministry is somehow a method and that there is a stepping stone process to achieving it. Which ultimately, is a failed process and why doesn't the church come up with something better?

I have to ask, isn't what we're describing friendship? There are many things about community that are great and what God asks us to give ourselves to. But something He consistently asks us to in it is to love and be loved. To give and to receive. Friendship. Community can not replace deep friendships, and deep friendships seem to be what we are all asking for. Have a listen to Kyle Costello's sermon last week for a deeper look into that.

I am convinced that most people who call themselves a Christ follower authentically want to grow and be a person of godly character. But the how...seems to escape us all from time to time. In Ephesians 4 Paul speaks of living as children of light. It is this picture of what it looks like to be a person filled with Christ-like character and in it, he points out that we are to speak truth to one another. Really the entire section brings up unity and being together. We aren't in this alone. It is very difficult to see the fruit of godly character all by yourself. Sure there are disciplines, some that I need to grow in. But overall what I read in Ephesians (and most anywhere in the bible really) is that we need each other. Or at the very least that we are stuck with each other and there can be great benefit and beauty in it.

In a book that I have been challenged on a lot this year called, The Ascent of a Leader, the authors speak of this character. This godly character that it takes to lead others, and how if you want to start on the road of growing this way (in godly character) - that you better surround yourself with some good people. Certain kinds of people. Friends. These are people who:

- Are ordinary people who are willing to tell you the truth, and who will also receive the truth from you
- People who are willing to have fun and dream with you
- People who believe in you

Get to know these people as intimately as possible. Let them know your goals, your dreams, and your struggles. Perhaps more important let them know how you FEEL about your goals, dreams and struggles. Let them know how you feel about them and their own passions.

Best environments are produced when a core group of people commit themselves to each other for life, no matter what.

Even for a definite/defined period of time. It's called FRIENDSHIP. Committing time creates opportunities for vulnerability. Vulnerability builds trust, and sooner than we think we will be able to encourage one another toward spiritual maturity.

So I think it's time we ASK SOMEONE(S) to walk with us. Someone we respect or want to be more like. Compliment them by asking them, but be clear what we want. Don't apologize. Just ask them to walk with us and tell them why we want to walk with them. Part of living in community is having some deep friendships. We all want those but sure seems like we are fearful to start. It's so scary to ask someone to love us. But it's what Christ is calling us to and a sure start to becoming people of godly character I think.

May God give us courage.

New "Quotes to live by"

2009-04-26T23:24:00.000-06:00

"Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever, wherever I am. I cannot be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him; in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him; if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends, He may throw me among strangers, He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me -- still He knows what He is about.”
- Cardinal Newman

Turning 4

2009-04-24T20:10:00.000-06:00

We got Braden's school pictures back about a month ago. They were so cute that we ordered the big pack and the CD so we could do the online thing with them. Here they are for all to enjoy. Our amazing little boy who just turned 4. So so lucky we are to have him in our lives. Here are the things we are seeing at 4:

- Taught himself to swim this week in Palm Springs. 1 foot pool, a week to practice and a boy with goggles = fish.
- Is finally, on the good days, CLEANING UP! (yes by that i mean actually putting the toys back in the basket after he's dumped them all over the floor. it's taken years my friends, years. and i imagine years more...but we have a start here, so I'm documenting it as a kind of success)
- Is still in love with Spiderman. But also now has a significant thing for Transformers. Appreciates Batman. Just found out about Pokemon. And loves Hot Wheels.
- Is way into playing basketball with his Daddy and the guys every Thursday night at a gym. He has his own basketball shoes and outfit and takes it very seriously. Though we suspect the guy time is what he values the most.
- Can WRITE HIS NAME!!!!!!!! Sort of. Well, with help. But I've got proof I'm carefully preserving for a Braden art album. Which would require that he produce art for me to make this album. We're working on that. He also draws people, but prefers to draw Spiderman.
- Says "Mommy I love you the best!" if I give him candy. If I do not give candy says "I don't like you! You're being rude!"
- Is blessed by his 7 year old next door neighbor Ty. Who gives him all his old clothes and toys. Like once a week his mom comes over with more stuff! Ty also happens to really really like Braden and of course vice versa. They are buddies and rule our street together. And I think his Mom is hilarious. We like to chat while gardening and working on our yards.
- Has a girl friend across the street named Rachel. She has red hair and is the sweetest thing and is almost the exact same age as Braden. They are going to go to Kindergarten together and her mom and I are already planning their future.
- His bestest buddy continues to be Willem. Which many of you hear him say and say "What?". But it's a name, his friends name which he still pronounces "Wowem" which confuses everyone. But a close second is his buddies Connell, Micah, Kasper, Gavin, Simeon and a bunch more boys that I am realizing are going to become more and more part of our life as he grows up. Bring on the boys! (but thank God for our girl neighbor)
- Prays every night, "Thank you Jesus for our family; Mommy, Daddy, Kody and Jasper. And for our house". Apparently home is where his heart is as every vacation a few days into it he gets home sick and wants to go home and see his pets and have Mommy AND Daddy there. :)
- I like 4.

Spiderman is sleeping

2009-04-11T23:08:00.000-06:00

Today we threw our son a 4 year old Spiderman birthday party. It was one of the funnest things I've ever done in my life. I love planning things, decorating, and playing with kids. Not to mention I've wanted a child my whole life to do this kind of thing with, he's finally old enough to really enjoy the whole thing. So, I dove in head first and have been collecting Spiderman things for 2 weeks and thinking through how it would all work so kids were having a blast, adults weren't wondering when it would end, and my little man wouldn't have an all out melt down in overwhelment. It went as well as I could have hoped (with much thanks and credit to some dear friends that helped).

I am exhausted. My feet hurt like crazy up my legs kind of owie. My voice is tired. I've washed my hands so many times I can't count 'cause I just feel dirty. But I am alive inside. Keep thinking of each kid and how the party was for them and if they felt included and cared for. Seeing Braden's face when the whole house was singing happy birthday to him (I love that humble grateful look of disbelief people get when others lavish love on them). Watching 20 kids go nuts with silly string on the "bad guys" and then turn on each other with perma grins on their faces. Seeing old and new adult friends connecting or reconnecting. Being one with my hubby on things like "trashbags now", "camera moment", "fix the pinata please", and "holy moly this is crazy!" without using many if any words. And watching Braden go and hug kids randomly on the moments when the buzz of party wasn't overtaking him and it occurred to him that he really liked someone else and was glad they came.

As my Spidey boy is down to sleep now and I am rehashing the day I realize, I forgot to pray. I had it planned in my little Karen schedule, but of course I forgot. A tradition we started on his one year old birthday...praying gratefulness for his life and praying for him to grow in wisdom and character. And thanking the birth parents who gave us this most precious of gifts. So tonight as he dreams here is my prayer:

O Lord our God, we are thankful. Thankful for this handsome sweet boy you have given us. We are so proud of him! He is growing so much and changing every day. Each day becoming kinder, learning more, asking great questions, and giving so much love. Thank you Lord for his birth parents Erin and Ben who gave him life and had the courage and heart to gift us with our precious son. Thank you for grandparents and aunties, uncles and cousins who bless us all the time and who love Braden so much. Thank you for these friends and neighbors who have walked with us through the years, and have celebrated and grieved with us along the way. Today is a day to celebrate. The life of Braden Andrew Rogers. He is our special boy and has grown up to be 4 years old. Lord God may you walk with him closely this next year of his life, teaching him and taking care of him along the way. Give him interest to know you more and to treat people with love. May he feel loved through us, our little family, every day and be growing roots that will last his lifetime. We praise you God in heaven for sending your son Jesus to die for us so that we can live. May Braden's life always be a reminder of new life amidst impossible circumstances. New life of your son Jesus as his birthday falls so close to Easter. We love you and live for you Jesus. Thank you so very much for our Braden. Amen.

New quote to live by

2009-04-04T00:53:00.000-06:00

"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." - Plato

We should play more. I'm going to play more. You can tell a lot about a person on whether or not they can play. If someone wants to get together to know me better this month, maybe instead of coffee (hot chocolate in my case) I'll invite them to something fun like...man, I can't even think of ideas! That's so pathetic! Help me out here. Maybe coffee is as fun as it gets this time of year. But in the summer what about a picnic at the park instead of lunch at a restaurant? You know, something to shake it up a bit and just be....ourselves. Dorky, human, funny little creatures that we are.

Seriously, when was the last time you really laughed and played with people? And what is your best memory of your friend? Was it in a really deep conversation or was it when you did something ridiculous with them? For me, its always the hilariously silly moments I remember best. And I don't think I'm shallow (by all means let me know if I am). Our staff Christmas party or summer beach trip is my favorite time of the year to be with our staff. It's different than office/Sunday life. And we have a great staff of non-fake, interesting and freaking funny people. But still, you get them out of their element and everyone is just a little silly and stoked to just be together without anything else weighing on them. More to the point, they are really themselves. Trying to play volleyball in the sand, or hanging with their spouse at a party eating food they like and telling stories they think are funny, or challenging each other to a bouncy obstacle course at a volunteer picnic. I like silly and laughter and....play. I want to play more.

For fun and for free

2009-03-26T20:26:00.000-06:00

In Susan Isaac's book "Angry Conversations with God" there is a chapter called For Fun and For Free. I love it. In this chapter she talked of her own fight with God about doing what she loved and felt she was best at, yet could not get paid for it. As she walked it through with Him she found that maybe she didn't have to let some crap job name her because she couldn't have a career in what she loved. Love it!

What if we do the stuff that's really in us not for any other reason than just because we love it and feel alive when we do it. Even if we feel it's the best thing we do and think we really should get paid for it - maybe, the heart of God is that we would do it for free. Just for fun. Just because we can't help ourselves.

Today a couple things that I've struggled over wanting to do more with and wondering if will ever come about came to mind. Though I don't have a crap job and what I love and am gifted at is where my roles in life are. So maybe I don't count. But wait - I do! Because that chapter kicked my butt. There are things in me that sometimes feel dormant and untapped. And in my awesome job and role as a wife & mom I feel convicted to revisit again the same thing - would i do it for fun and for free? It's how I started out, but am I still doing it for those reasons? And so... I'm trying it out - to do those things I love just for fun, and for free. Because the truth is no one can stop me from doing them. And I don't need to wait for anyone to invite me in or to acknowledge me with a paycheck or a thank you honey. These passions are the note I play in this world and what I love but am gifted at. I'm playing again! And I feel full of life.

What do you do for fun and for free?

Love in the wrath of God

2009-03-23T22:23:00.000-06:00

Our pastor preached on 1 John 4:10 this week. He describes how to properly understand Christ's atoning sacrifice on the cross by understanding both God's love for humanity and wrath towards sin. Heavy right? Yeah, it was. But there was a simplicity in it that was deeply important too. So many people I know blame God for everything and have zero tolerance for the wrathful side of his character. Check it out here.

Something popped for me that night as I listened to an older couple in our home community share their thoughts about it. For whatever reason this is what God seemed to stir in me:

He (the husband in the older couple that I love) said something about how none of us like it when we are suffering, but that it is those times where God teaches us the most important things and ultimately blesses us. And just so you know, when he talks, you listen. Because he's seen a heck of a lot of suffering and been around the block a whole lot more times than I ever have on this issue (or probably most issues for that matter).

So that got me to thinking about words I've heard her share in her own sufferings (of which she has also seen plenty of and has a faith so deep it's like you're way out in the deepest parts of the ocean when you are with her). She tends to say things like "it is hard, but I know God has something for me in it". Which when I hear her say stuff like that I have two thoughts: One, does she mean it? and Two, I want to say that and mean it too.

Which all gets me thinking... I know I believe that the hard things I go through (medically, spiritually, physically, emotionally) will in the end bring their own learning and possibly blessing even as they may cripple me for life. But I don't think I say it, or even believe it in the moment. No, I usually am awkward and unsure when someone asks me about a trial I am in the midst of. I worry that I lack any semblance of joy to share in what hurts so deeply or confuses me. I don't want to put any inappropriate happy spin on my situation, I am not that happy after all nor does that cheesy contrived Christianise wording do much of anything for anybody. But don't I believe that I have hope and that God has something He will show me through it all?? I do believe this and I need to start counting on it and expressing it more. Otherwise I'm just another soul sitting around whining when things get rough. And I don't notice a ton of whining going on in the early church when everyone was dying for all kinds of reasons. I notice a lot of praising - real, tear filled, lost it all and still praising God.

There is a vast difference in saying that God is good because it seems like the right thing to say - or believing God is good and really knowing it. The truth is, when you've experienced the other end of suffering when the dawn comes - you know you mean it. And if you haven't, though it may scare the snot out of you, breathe. Because you are about to learn something you never would have otherwise.

Indeed He is full of love and suffers with us. And comes out in glory at dawn.

Spiderman duel

2009-03-20T23:19:00.001-06:00

They are just the cutest things. Braden and his buddy Willem played for hours tonight. Taking the supports out of my laundry hampers to make swords, launching trucks off the stairs to crash and spin out below, leaping and jumping off of any furniture they could find, and blasting all of the 50 or so magnets off the child's calendar in Braden's room. After getting to sit next to each other at dinner and then have ice cream cake (!) that Willem's mom brought over as "dessert" (thank you Megan!), they ended the evening getting to take a bath together with superhero bath toys and even Willem's little sister. Braden offered Willem his favorite Spiderman pajamas to wear home and before we said goodbye's - Kevin took this shot.

First off, boys fresh out of the bath smell good. Really good. The best they ever smell actually. And when you comb their hair into that old school handsome boy style, mmm. It's just goodness. I think I kissed Braden 20 times before he went to bed tonight on those cute squishy cheeks of his.

Anyway, Kevin showed them how to get into a fighting stance and make a fight face (this is what I call a "Dad thing"). And to freeze! They of course loved every second of this posing in their best Spiderman seriousness while we all took pictures. So here they are, in their adorable superhero-ness.

Boys are crazy - but it's a good crazy.

Angry Conversations with God

2009-03-18T22:37:00.000-06:00

I am reading this book by Susan Isaacs called Angry Conversations with God. I think I like it. It's reminding me of a hundred conversations I've had with people over the years and several I've found myself having with God from time to time. Mostly it feels to me to be a walking this woman through the seasons of her life that were the most painful with God and others. And helping her to see where she has blamed God for about all of it, how most probably, He wasn't the one to blame at all.

I have not finished it yet, but am aiming to do so by the weekend. I'm not sure the book has at all captured the whole gospel of who God really is. But perhaps that is not her aim. Rather, it seems to me to be one I'd recommend to those that have gotten spun out in faith and in church and are finding themselves bitter and distant from God and other Christ followers. Most of the story is about her struggle in singleness as well. It seems to me to be a way back to what is real and true. A gentle journey through the pain to the eye to eye, ear to ear time with God.

Susan Isaac is speaking at Imago Dei on April 3rd at Evangel campus. I'm thinking I will go to hear her. She's a professional actor and comedian and funny as snot. So I'm hoping for some humor but also to see how well she can articulate transformation and community of faith. Come and check it out.